Why The No Contact Rule Is So Important After A Breakup


Everybody who has ever gone through a breakup — nasty, amicable, or somewhere in-between — knows about the “no contact” rule or nc: no communication whatsoever between you and your ex after the breakup.

This means no emails, no calls, no text messages, no stalking on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, other social networking sites, no Googling his or her name, and definitely no pretending to drop by the places he or she normally goes or hangs out in for at least a month or 30 days.


Here Are Some Frequently Asked Questions About The NC Rule:

1. Does the no contact rule really work?

2. How long should I stay away from my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?

3. Can it backfire?

4. Should I wish my ex happy birthday during no contact?

Let’s answer these questions together.


1. Does No Contact Always Work To Get Him or Her Back?

Obviously, N.C. cannot work for every situation. You may have heard many success stories but you cannot expect a 100% success rate. There are some relationships that are just too damaged to be saved.

Then there are cases where you are just not compatible with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That is why you broke up in the first place. Sometimes, you are dealing with a stubborn ex. For these situations, no contact doesn’t work.

And if you are trying to get your ex back after a long time, such as a year or longer, then obviously no contact isn’t applicable.

Otherwise, there are many situations where the no contact rule can work really really well. This is what we will discuss in the later part of this article.

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2. How Long Should I Stay Away From Him or Her?

You are probably confused because every website is giving you a different number of days, weeks or months. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I decided to do a quick research and see what are the various numbers that are being given.

Here are what I found:

Obviously, the most common one is the 30 day no contact rule, which is equivalent to 4 weeks or 1 month of no contact.

Then there is the shorter 21 days version.

We also have the 2 months or 60 days version.

Of course, there are many more but I am not going to list them here. Anyway, these are the 3 most popular versions of the NC rule.

So which version should you follow?

Well, there is really no hard and fast rule with regards to the number of days you should go no contact. Every situation is different and you should act according to your situation.

If the breakup is due to something really serious such as you cheating on your ex, then you probably need a longer time for the heat to settle down. In this case, you may want to adopt the 60 days version.

If the breakup is because of a stupid argument or something not that serious, then the 21 days version will be the one for you. In fact, you may not even need 21 days.

For the vast majority of the situations, 30 days of no contact work the best. That is probably why it is the most popular version.


3.   Can The No Contact Rule Backfire?

Yes, the no contact rule is a bad idea if you take it too far. For example, some people end up doing 6 months or even 1 year of no contact and are surprised that their ex has moved on and are in a new relationship.

If you have decided to move on and don’t want your ex back anymore, then you are definitely encouraged to stay away from your ex for as long as you want. However, if you still want your ex back, then 6 months is definitely too long.


4. Should I Send A Birthday Message To My Ex During NC?

It is not necessary to send a greeting. After all, it is not going to make a big difference with regards to whether you will get him or her back. Some experts will tell you not to send the birthday greetings. Some experts will tell you to do so.

Here is my answer for you. It is up to you. My answer is based on the 80 20 principle. Basically, 20% of the things you do is going to get you 80% of the results when it comes to getting your ex back. The reverse is also true. The other 80% of the things you do is only going to give you 20% result.

Wishing your ex happy birthday belongs to the 80% of insignificant things. So don’t worry too much about it.

However, I would not recommend sending a birthday card or letter, especially if you are using it as an excuse to pour out your feelings. This is going to backfire. If you want, just a text or Facebook message will do.  Don’t overdo it.


Why No Contact Is A Good Idea After A Break Up

The “no contact” rule is important for a number of reasons, chief of which is that it is the most effective coping mechanism to help you move on. The “no contact” rule has certainly worked not just for me, but also for a lot of other people. In a nutshell: Without any physical reminders about your ex, you’re able to get over the breakup in a shorter span of time.

However, the “no contact” rule is also a tried-and-tested method if you still harbor feelings for your ex and want to rekindle the relationship. Here’s why it’s important to use the “no contact” rule to get your ex back.


It’s All About Self Respect

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, it won’t do you any good to come sniffing around so soon after you’ve just broken up. Doing so will only feed your ex’s ego and make him or her think that you can’t live without him or her — and that’s definitely NOT a good thing.

Take it from me: When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I was the one who initiated contact post-breakup, even if I was the one who broke things off. At that time, I still loved my ex, and I wanted him back. But by not following the “no contact” rule, my plan to win my ex back backfired.

And that’s when I realized that hounding, pestering, and stalking my ex only pushed him farther away from me, instead of giving me the result that I wanted. I was sending him mixed signals, after all — I was the one who wanted to break up, so why was I suddenly chasing after him again?

So, lesson learned: If you want to win back your ex, reinforce the “no contact” rule. By doing so, you’re showing that you’re able to live a life that doesn’t include your ex. And sooner or later, your ex is bound to hear news about you, and how you’re thriving in your new found single status — which will definitely lead him or her to missing you.


Listen Up, Ladies (Men Should Take Note Too!)

Generally, women are more prone to NOT adhering to the “no contact” rule compared to men. So ladies, man up and put some steel in your spine, and listen to this story about how abiding that rule helped Shannon win her ex back.

“I admit that following the ‘no contact’ rule wasn’t easy. I was so tempted to give up several times, if not for my friends and family, who were so adamant that I dissolve any form of contact with my ex,” she relates.

Shannon admits that her ex always had the “upper” hand in the relationship. “I was the clingy one, the one who was more emotionally invested in the relationship. So when he broke up with me, he was probably expecting me to come crawling back to him. But I didn’t!” she says proudly, beaming. “I did my own stuff. I stayed away. I took up a new hobby, went on a trip, and started working out to keep my mind off him.”

Needless to say, Shannon’s ex was bewildered when he didn’t hear from her. “He was asking people about me, asking what I was up to. No one would tell him. In fact, some of our mutual friends even told him to let it — me — go.

And THAT’S when he realized that he misses me,” she shares. “One day, he just called me up, asking how I was. Our communication became more regular, and then he said he wanted me back.”

The “no contact” interval gave Shannon the confidence and her sense of self that she “lost while I was with him.” She says, “I told him that I needed to think about it. When we met up to talk again, I informed him that I was willing to give our relationship another try, but on one condition: He had to get used to the new, improved me.

I wasn’t going to go back to being the doormat girlfriend he was used to. I was determined that he knew that — that I wasn’t going to be the type of girlfriend he’d allow to hang around him for an ego boost.”

Suffice to say, the “no contact” rule worked in Shannon’s favor in winning her ex back. “We’ve been together for two years since we got back together, and he’s been hinting about getting married. But we’ll see,” she grins.


You’ll Gain A New Perspective and Become More Objective

With the “no contact” rule in place, you’re able to see things more clearly, and along the way, you’ll also realize how both of you had messed up your relationship.

Take the case of Audrey and Jordan. Shares Audrey, “We both agreed the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, so we broke up. It was a mutual decision. Even though I was devastated and missed him desperately, my friends and I were determined that I follow the ‘no contact’ rule. It really worked wonders in helping me cope, and during those 30 days, I was able to view our relationship in a new light.”

Adds Jordan, “The ‘no contact’ rule helped both Audrey and me to figure out what went wrong in our relationship. Prior to our breakup, we were fighting all the time. That break gave us breathing room and space to find clarity — and for me, it made me realize that I wanted to give our relationship another try. Luckily, Audrey felt the same.”

So take note: If you want to get your ex back, it’s imperative that you follow the “no contact” rule. Why? Because that interval will help you grow and mature on your own, find your inner strength, and you’ll definitely be a better person once you and your partner decide to go for another romantic round.

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154 thoughts on “Why The No Contact Rule Is So Important After A Breakup

  1. Does the NC rule work if you were in a long distance relationship at uni, and the reason for them breaking up with you is that they could not do the LDR anymore, even though they loved me?

    1. It depends on what you do during NC. If you just sit there and do nothing and wait for time to pass, then your chance is going to be very low because you are taking a passive approach.

      If you make good use of this period of no contact and work on yourself, develop new relationship skills etc, your chance is going to be much higher. At least, your ex will be able to see the changes in you and consider getting back together with you.

  2. nice read. i think after the no contact rule, one should be able to move on instead of making efforts os getting exes back. i loved him so much but believe me i got over him after 3weeks only of no contact rule. i moved on he’s now jealous but i will never get back to him.

    1. Well, it depends. Some people can move on while others can’t. So if you can move on after no contact, that’s good for you.

  3. Me and my ex ended pretty bad.
    She was so mad at me that she deleted me from social media and changed her phone number. So will the no contact rule help me to get her back through all of that?

      1. we both had trust issues towards one another which made us get alil space between us n I believe she used that time and space to start talking to another guy I don’t know how serious they are but the guy posted a obvious picture of them two out on a date on his social media so I lost it on her for a col days smh I called her all kinds of names n cursed her smh I really messed up to the point she deleted me on social media change her number now I dont have anyway to even contact her so im taking this as my 30 no contact rule smh im about a week into it so wat do u think will she cool down after no hearing from me for so long or is the 30 days just the start of no contact ever again on her part smh im so nervous I over reacted n mite have pushed her even more to the next guy

    1. I just broke up with my boyfriend he finished it and he rang 6 times yesterday. I didn’t answer Whickham. I feel mean over now. I called him this morning he is very hurt that after 4 years I could have answered to hear him out. Now he’s stopped texting and I think I have done more damage, been mean to him I want him back.

    1. Well, no contact is no magic pill.

      You can implement no contact for 30 days, 60 days or even 90 days but as long as you don’t fix the root cause of the breakup, you probably won’t get her back.

      Even if you did, the relationship probably won’t last since the root cause of the breakup is still there.

      For example, why did both of you have trust issues in the first place?

      Is it because of poor communication skills? If that is the case, then you should take this period of no contact to really work on your communication skills.

      Take the initiative. Go to the library and borrow some books on communication if necessary. Or go join a good online program that actually teaches you these important skills. Whichever approach you decided to take is up to you.

      Here is another issue you want to tackle during no contact. If you are someone who loses your cool easily, then it may be time for you to start working on it.

      Put it this way, if you always lose your cool over what your ex does, then it is almost impossible for you to get your ex back. So I suggest you start developing your awareness so that you are not always in reaction mode.

      You can consider starting to meditate. I will leave it up to you to do research on meditation yourself. You can research on the benefits or meditation on relationship as well as the instructions on how to meditate.

      Basically, if you want to get back together with your ex in a healthy way, you have to change the relationship dynamics. In order to change the relationship dynamics, you need to change yourself since you can’t change your ex.

      So the question here is are you willing to spend the time on self improvement? The reason I am asking you this question is because I often find a lot of people who say they want their ex back.

      But they are not willing to put in the effort to work on themselves. They rather take the passive approach and somehow hope that just by no contact alone, something magic will happen and then they will somehow get back together with their ex.

      Don’t worry too much about the other guy. Most probably, it is just a rebound.

      Anyway, the main point I want to drive across to you is this. Don’t just sit there and do nothing during no contact. Instead, take this period of no contact and actively work on yourself.

      I cannot give you any guarantee that she will start contacting you again after 30 days of no contact. However, if she does, because you have actually taken this period of time to work on yourself, you will be more equipped to communicate with her in a way that will likely give you better results.

      On the other hand, if you actually did nothing to improve yourself during this period, if she decided to contact you, she will find that you never changed and obviously, this is going to make the situation worse.

      So make sure you take the active, instead of the passive approach.

  4. Hi,
    I’m (23) and My Girlfriend is (22) she ends up our 8 year relationship together she said she wants to be alone. She kissed another guy in the club and I caught her on facebook chatting it with her friends. She explained to me that she was lost and our 8 years relationship has no substance. My heart was devastated when she broke up with me. what will I do. I’m currently a week doing this NC rule and it is hard can you give me advice I know she is the one.

    1. Both of you are still young. So I suppose this is the first serious relationship for both of you?

      I think at this point of time, she probably just want to experience something new. You may see her as the one but she may not be so sure about it. After all, she was only 14 when she got together with you.

      You may need to give her some time to think about what she really wants.

  5. Will the no contact rule work if we were talking for two months, having sex, doing couple things, except we were officially together and he didn’t want me to talk to other guys. But when we first started dating, I hooked up with someone else after we had decided to be exclusive because he was giving me the cold shoulder like he didn’t wanna be with me anymore. If we weren’t even together and I had already asked him if everything was okay and he was rude about it. I don’t see why there is any reason why I should not made out with someone. He clearly didn’t seem interested except in a booty call way and I wasn’t dealing with it. He said he still likes me and cared about me and we agreed we were both confused and we needed some time apart.

  6. He also said we argued a lot and it stressed him out and when we were even together, I told him it stressed me out too. If I had time to heal after my last relationship, I wouldn’t have been picking at everything he did and that I felt we were a good match that it was just bad timing.

    1. No contact is not a magic pill.

      There are some fundamental problems in your relationship that you need to address and no contact is not the answer.

      First, it is not a good idea to hook up with someone when you were in an exclusive relationship.

      Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to judge you. I know you are doing so because you felt neglected. With that said, you have to understand that a tit for tat strategy is not the best way to build a foundation for a healthy relationship.

      When it comes to a relationship, there are certain boundaries that is best not to cross. Of course, you can go ahead and do so. Just know that it comes with consequences.

      It is going to make things more complicated and make it harder for you to save your relationship.

      I hope you are not offended by what I am saying here because I don’t think sugarcoating is going to help you. I am just trying to be practical and help you see that your attitude and action comes with consequences.

      I suggest that you take some time to seriously consider whether this relationship is worth saving. If you think it is worth it, then you have to start approaching your relationship is a more matured manner.

      Hope that helps.

  7. Hi, we broke up three months ago. He say he is in a different place but immediately started dating other people and one person in particular. He is divorced. We were inseparable for the year we were together. We talked of marriage and even picked the church. We had issues but he always assured me and we worked them out. We had had contact during the last 3 months but it has been limited. Seven days ago I decided no contact for 30 days. In the past 3 months unless I contacted he did not except for two calls last week to ask me silly questions. There is one girl in particular that is in the picture. He says he loves me but that does not mean we will get back. He says he does not want a relationship right now but yet still told me about this girl because i found out. What do u do? I believe he is the one. he always said so too.

    1. I think he is afraid of getting married, probably due to bad experiences in his previous marriage. Another way to put it is that he is emotionally unavailable. He was already that way when he first met you. That is why when he started getting closer to you, when it is time to make that decision to get married, he freaked out and decided to leave the relationship.

      As long as he doesn’t get rid of this fear, it doesn’t matter how many relationships he is in, it will not last.

      Therefore, I don’t think you need to worry about this new girl he is dating. Obviously, now is the honeymoon period. So he may appear blissful in the new relationship but it is unlikely to stay that way. I think he is just using her to fill an emotional void in his heart.

      So if you want to get your ex back, here is what you can do. Don’t just use passive no contact. Passive no contact is useless. It is just like going to the gym for 30 days but you just sit inside and gym and don’t work out. If that is what you do, then it doesn’t matter how often you go to the gym. You will not get in shape.

      Instead, you need to practice active no contact. You need to make use of this no contact period to improve your inter-personal and relationship skills. With these skills, you will be able to get him to open up to you. You will be able to communicate with him at a deeper emotional level.

      Why is that important? Because all romantic relationship happens because of emotional connection. All breakups happen because of lack of emotional connection. When you can get the emotional connection back, he will start to consider getting back together with you again.

      Not only that. If the emotional connection is really strong, he will eventually have to make that decision to face his fear of marriage. That is why if you want to save your relationship and eventually get married, your main focus should be to upgrade your relationship skills.

      Taking shortcut and doing passive no contact is not going to help you. You can consider signing up for Ex Solution Program to learn these relationship skills. Here is a review of Ex Solution Program. You can take a look and decide whether the program is for you.

  8. Hi, me and my boyfriend broke up several times in a month. He was not the same as he used to be with me. He seems detached, he has changed a lot, he made me cry and shouted at me. It feels like I have no self respect. We really loved each other. I was the emotional one. As he started to begin changing, I was always the one who cried in front of him, begging him to please come back, don’t leave me. But as days passes, he doesn’t call me or talk to me that much. I always complaint about his time and his love but he never do anything to improve his behavior. Please tell me what should I do to bring him back?? He just seem frustrated with my begging behavior or complaining behavior, but tell me what other ways? It is so painful seeing your lover changing. I did everything I could do to bring him on. I fought, I cried, I complaint and I tried to make him happy but nothing lasts long. Does he still love me? Please help me. I am very depressed.

  9. Hi, me and my ex girlfriend ( we are lesbian) have been together for 5 years. She broke up with me three weeks ago because of a lot of different things but mainly because I was pushing her away. I know what I did but I told her with another chance I wouldn’t do that again because now I know what I’m loosing. I know she is my soulmate, we were high school sweethearts and love doing the same things and we both are getting careers. I lost myself this past year with low self esteem and she broke up with me when I needed her the most. We both have always been their for eachother but seemed I stuck by her through her bad days but she can’t do that for me. She said she loves me but not in love anymore and is unhappy. This break is helping me get myself back but I want her to see that. We have a cat and I’m going to give her the cat in the next couple weeks so I’ll have to see her then. She also made it a point the other day to contact me and come over to grab something she really didn’t need. We talked after that for 30 min telling eachother about what we’ve been up to so know I confused. Can someone give me advice?

  10. Hi Sam,

    it is a real complicated case!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend who has been together for 1 and a half year, the first half year of 2016 was in a long- distance relationship and we reunion in late June.

    We were doing EXTREMELY good before the long-distance relationship, we love at first-sight and build a trust relationship, and not even one tiny argument during that whole year.

    However, I suffered DEPRESSION for several years. And during April and early June 2016, I was emotionally suffered (Very seriously!!! and the side effect of the med make me feel the things i was doing was so unreal), the support of my boyfriend was not enough and I both emotionally and physically cheated on my boyfriend.

    My boyfriend found out during the time we reunion and at that reunion period by checking my phone

    The MISTAKE I have done (he found out instead of i told him- which is really bad I know)

    1. i changed the flight and delayed to meet him because of the other guy
    2. emotionally and physically cheated on my boyfriend
    3. Dialing my boyfriend while having sex with that guy (I called my bf several time untill he picked up)- he feel so humiliated about this.
    4. I told how I cheated my boyfriend to one of my best friend and this friend also travel with us before my bf found out all of this (he found so humiliated again)

    He originally gave us chance to try to make our relationship work out again, but after few days he said we are wasting each other time. and he don’t know how to face me. . He understand why i would do that but he couldn’t accept what i had done. he did not blame me at all and said can do the follow up with me. He said he can accept small mistake, but this time was tooooooo wrong,

    I can feel he still love me, and i feel so bad because I think that was not a real me, it was the sick me. He did not reject to see me and said he still care me can accompany me to the med follow up.

    he mentioned few important point:

    1. he feel HUMILIATED
    2. he thought THE SCAR IS ALWAYS IN HIS HEART AND NEVER HEAL. This memory will keep pop- up if we continue our relationship. He DON”T THINK WE WILL HAVE FUTURE
    3. he thought my value has become lower and depreciated.

    what can i do if I he found he was being humiliated and lose face?What is the step and approach I should use to get my boyfriend back in this complicated situation??

    1. The fact that he is still willing to talk to you and accompany you for appointments shows that he still loves you.

      Which means there is still hope for this relationship.

      Look at it this way, I am sure you have heard of people who cheated but successfully saved their relationship. And their relationship become stronger after getting back together.

      So no matter how tough this situation is, look at this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

      Obviously, it won’t be possible for me to tell you everything you need to know to save this relationship in a comment.

      So, I will just give you a few pointers. For more details, you can sign up for our newsletter.

      First, focus on the emotions instead of logic. Don’t take what your ex says too literally.

      Your ex may say he will never be able to let go of this incident. However, he is only saying so because of his current emotional state. Emotional state can be changed.

      When your emotional connection with him is strong enough, a lot of objections can be overcome.

      As for how to connect with your ex on an emotional level, it is something that is covered in more details in our newsletter.

      Second, if you are still in contact with him, avoid talking about the relationship or getting back together at this stage. By doing so now, it will only remind him of the cheating. It will just create more negative emotions.

      You have to understand that getting back together with your ex is a process. It is not going to happen overnight, especially for your situation. Focus on the emotional connection now. Once your emotional bank account with him is full, then you can start discussing with him getting back together.

      Right now, your emotional bank account with him is very low or even negative. If you mention anything about the relationship, it will cause resistance in him.

      As for how to break down his resistance and when is the right time to talk about getting back together again, these are covered in more details in our newsletter. You can sign up for free above if you want to learn more.

  11. My ex and me were together 14 years and have 3 children. I think we got to a point in our relationship we got stuck. I got diagnosed with depression and he said we had become like brother and sister and a few problems we were having to do the with the kids are now all fixed. Stupid reasons he gave me for leaving. Anyway one morning he went to work gave me and the children a kiss and said I will see u later. He never come home and messaged me that night saying he can’t do this anymore. He came to see the children 4 days later and told him he was going to get a flat and take them every week and no girlfriend as he wanted to be on his own for a bit. He moved in with his mum for a week then decided to tell me the truth that night he went to a woman’s house. Turns out he had made a fake profile 2 weeks before he left on a dating site and told her he was single with no kids. The day he left me went to tell her the truth the same night that he left his 14 yrs relationship and kids that morning. He said he never cheated on me and still sticks to that story he met her the night he left for the first time. Anyway, after 2 weeks his mum kicked him out and he moved in with her and they got matching tattoo’s 10 days later. He says he loves her but I don’t believe that at all and she loves him? They had only met 2 weeks ago how she let him move in and love him in such a short space of time, he is now having nothing to do with our children as she can’t have any and it hurts her when he had to take them out for a couple of hours. They have now been together for 6 weeks and talking about getting married met each others parents? Surely this is moving fast. The weird thing is he sat and told me 3 weeks into their relationship he does not get the butterflies or excited when he see her, how he left her in a pub and chatted up the barmaid in the next pub and how there are 3 women in love with him. I don’t understand why he keeps telling me this stuff? I’m so confused. Instead of working out the problems that are now all fixed, he chose to walk out on me and our kids after 14 years and move in and talk about marriage after 6 weeks of meeting a woman he lied to from day 1. I am currently in no contact only week 1 but so confused and don’t know what to do for the best, I have not stopped him seeing the kids. I messaged and said when you realize they are more important then days out and need and deserve more then 2 hrs a week you know where to find us so the ball is in his court. Please help.

    1. Don’t worry about all the women. It is extremely obvious that he is just using them to fill his emotional emptiness.

      It is just a rebound relationship and based on what you mentioned, it is probably going to end very soon. Nothing worth worrying about. What you should focus on is your emotional connection with him.

      Here is how I see your situation. I think somewhere along the way, both of you lose the sparks in the relationship. Maybe it got to the point where all you were talking about were about the kids, bills and so on.

      In other words, you stop getting curious about each other. So what you need to focus on is to get the sparks back. Learn new relationship skills so that you can make the relationship better. You can consider signing up for our newsletter for more information about that.

      Don’t just leave the ball on his court. If he doesn’t serve the ball back, then you are helpless. Take the initiative to save your own relationship. As mentioned, you have to go and learn new skills so that you know how to communicate with him in a different and better way. At least that is what you can do on your side.

      You have to understand that he might be filled with guilt. Because of that, even if you leave the ball on his court, he may not pick up the ball. That is why it is always better to take the lead than to leave it to chance.

  12. My bf of 5 month is going through a divorce. He ended it saying he needs time to heal from his marriage, that he has set up counseling and will sort everything out. I told him to take the time he needs. I have not initiated contact, he has been in touch daily, telling me how much he enjoyed our time together and that he’s sad. I’ve been responding, is this right?

    1. Well, you can be there to support him whenever he needs it, as long as it doesn’t take a toll on you emotionally. If it is hurting you too much, then maybe you need to take care of yourself first and cut off contact for the time being. It really depends on your emotional state. Thus, you have to check in with yourself.

      So right now, the best thing you can do is to focus on building up your emotional strength. This is because you can’t support someone when you don’t have the emotional capacity.

  13. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We are both 18, about to turn 19, and at university together. We had a very loving relationship, although it was very intense as we practically lived together and were together 5/6 times a week. This was fine at first but as time went on, (after 5-6 months) I could tell he was starting to need more time with his friends, and I was a bit too needy and subsequently arguing occured. We managed to sort this out, and then went back to being in a good place with both of us being very affectionate. However, I then went home from uni, and so we were in a long distance relationship. Everything seemed fine and we were happy until we argued one night and suddenly he decided he wanted to be alone and to only have to think of himself, that he wants to be young and just enjoy time with his friends, he said he still loves me and wants a future with me but needs space… I unfortunately didn’t give him any, I begged and pleaded and this caused him to blow hot and cold about whether he wanted to be with me or not. Three weeks later I am unsure what to do. Will no contact work now? He still seems confused of what he really wants, earlier this week we said the aim was to get back together after some space apart but again I gave in and spoke to him and now it seems he is more ‘I dont want a relationship’ than he is wanting one with me, so i’m confused whether he still loves me or not. Also, how long should I wait to speak to him? He does still seem interested in my life. We did love eachother very much, he used to become very emotional thinking of us not being together and we were best friends aswell as lovers.

  14. Hello just wondering if nc would work ? Me and this guy were dating for about two months and even though we weren’t official we both acted as if we were, last week we were hanging out and I was going through his phone and I seen a text from a girl and he told her that they should hang out again sometimes so of course I asked and he said that she was just a friend since childhood and she had a boyfriend anyways but of course I got upset and told him I didn’t want him hanging out with her and a few days later we were supposed to hang out again but he decided to instead cut what we had off his reasons were because we had been arguing and he didn’t like it & ever since what happened it was different ..and he also said that he felt that I deserved better because he was making me upset and I never did anything to deserve that ..& he also said that to be a good boyfriend you need a lot of time in your hands and he didn’t have that and that he was sorry. Do I have a chance of getting him back ?

  15. Hi. Does the N.C rule apply to same sex relationships? My wife and I have been married for 1 1/2, 6 years together total. She left me because she doesn’t want the responsibility of marriage and another person. I also believe she left for incompatibility issues and the fact that I had some insecurities about her, myself, and our relationship. She likes having contact now, always calls the shots and I’m really struggling because when I contact her it seems she isn’t as receptive as whe. She contacts me. I know I need to apply this not to save our relationship but for my own healing. I was just wondering what your thoughts about this particular situation and how it applies to your article.

    1. Yes, NC applies to same sex relationships as well. There are a number of good reasons for doing NC. First, it is obviously to heal because it is almost impossible to save a relationship when you are too emotional. Second, it gives her time to experience what it is like to be without you.

      Sometimes, people tend to think that the grass is greener on the other side. A period of no contact gives her the time to explore whether that is true. If she realizes that the grass is not really greener, she may regret her decision of breaking up and consider a relationship with you again.

      Third, it gives you the opportunity to improve yourself, specifically to develop new relationship skills. Like you mentioned, you had some insecurities. Insecurities are not going to automatically disappear simply because you realize you are insecure. That is why you need to put in some serious effort to get rid of your insecurity.

      In a way, insecurity can be considered a bad habit. It is going to take time for you to change your bad habit and replace it with a healthier one. No contact gives you the time to do so.

  16. Hey so I had a question how can you. Tell if doing the no contact is working? I been doing that the past 2 weeks and all I noticed is that she’ll stare at me and look away quickly or eyeing me with the corner of her eye but look the other way quickly I work with her so is this a sign that it working because at first she will avoid me now the past few days I saw glimpse she staring at me is this a good sign even thou she still ignoring me or not?

  17. so my ex and i have known each other since 99, lost touch, then reconnected and were together every day for the past 5 months. Its been a month since she said she wanted to break up, and made her regret about doing it known. Anyways, we have been in contact since, picking up my stuff etc, and i just saw her a few days ago to pick something up. Conversation was good, body language was good (made eye contact, even had me come close to her under the guise of something else) but i screwed up and told her i still have feelings for her but im good with the situation. She got irritated i brought up my feelings (we had the conversation a week prior) again. So im thinking of doing 30 days NC. She still cares, and i know despite what she says she still has feelings for me but she still has that resentment towards me about not living up to my end in her eyes (as in im to blame for the breakup)…thoughts?

  18. My name is Tyler Jamison and I’m from Colorado. I’m writing you because, like most people my life is in shambles due to the fact that my girlfriend just broke up with me and her response was she needed time and space.
    Now a little history, we met in college. I ended up graduating and moving back home 2 hours away in hopes of finding a job up near where she lives. Anyways I ended up staying down here for about 5 months after struggling to find work. She became distraught after not seeing me very often and I also could of made a better effort to call more often. She said the distant made her distant and that she built a wall between us because she was tired of missing me so much.
    We were together for 4 long years and we were so sure that we were gonna get married and start a family. Both of us were dead set on that. We have a plethora of mutual friends and our families are close as well. The break up went really smooth (in person, not in my mind). I went up to talk it out with her and we ended up hanging out for the whole day just talking. We bawled together, we cuddled, we took a nap together, we talked just about our days, we even slow danced in her room to a song we were sure was going to be our wedding song. During this dance we bawled like babies. So the breakup was very smooth and I still can get in touch with her whenever I want.
    However, even after all that she said she would rather not keep in contact and even suggested blocking eachother on social media. I disagreed with blocking eachother, but the fact that she said she doesn’t want to keep in contact makes me think the no contact rule will not work for me.
    So here’s the thing, she’s from Hawaii and came to school in Colorado where we meant. Throughout our relationship she would fly home during the breaks.
    So here’s my plan as of now (though, obviously, I’m not thinking very clearly at the moment). One of my plans is to not contact her for a month and then write her a letter or letters recalling all the good times we had (there are a lot) but through my perspective and send them to her while she’s back home for Xmas break. Another, much crazier idea I had was to fly down there just to ask her to dance with me again. That plan is much more risky and I’m worried about the rejection being that far from home. I’m also worried that I will ruin her time with her family. I really don’t know what I’m doing here. All I know is I want her back and I’m willing to do anything.
    I’m also really pressed for time because when she graduates in May she wants to get her masters in Hawaii. I was planning to move with her, but then all this happened. Now I’m just afraid that if she moves I’ll lose her forever.
    Please respond with your advice on my situation. It would be greatly appreciated at this point!

    Thank you

    1. The letter and the surprise dance will not work. Don’t waste your time on these “ninja tricks”.

      The root cause of the breakup is the loss of emotional connection. If you want to save this relationship, you have to focus on the emotional connection. You need to learn new relationship skills so that you know how to connect with your ex on a deeper emotional level.

      You also need to spend time understanding the dynamics of a breakup and the emotional world your ex is going through.

      Here are some resources that can help you with that.

      Why Your Ex Pulls Back After Positive Interaction

      Advance Relational Skills to Help You Get Your Ex Back

  19. Hi I would like some help and advice. My ex broke up with me in August, 4 months ago. We were in a long distant relationship but saw each other every weekend. He found out I was searching my last sexual partner on social media (I was just curious of what he was up to, I know it was a stupid thing for me to do but I didn’t love him, I loved my boyfriend)! So basically he was very hurt by that and said he no longer trusted me. When it happened I begged him to come back I constantly rang him and texted him! He ignored me and blocked me. He’d then unblock me and message me saying he loved me and wanted me, so I’d start talking to him again and then hed just ignore me again, which made me message him even more bexuase I didn’t understand why he was doing this. It was just a vicious circle! anyway, 4 months on and were stil talking! He said he loves me so much and wants me, but then ignores me and says I’m too much. I’m just wondering if the NC rule can work now, 4 months on after the breakup, considering we’ve been speaking pretty much every day since?!

    1. Your ex boyfriend is exhibiting hot and cold behavior. This is a very common phenomenon faced by people who are trying to get their ex back. The solution is not NC rule. It is more about understanding his emotional state and responding accordingly.

      Anyway, this is not something that can be easily explained within a few sentences. If you are interested to learn more about your ex’s emotional state and how to handle it, you can subscribe for our newsletter above. It’s free. If you sign up today, sometime next week, you will receive a newsletter that explains in details about your ex hot and cold behavior.

      You will also learn a whole lot of information about getting your ex back. If you read our newsletter for 60 days, you will start to have a better idea of what is important and what is not so important when it comes to saving your relationship. This will give you a good idea of what to focus on so that you don’t waste your time doing ineffective things.

  20. Hi Sam,

    I hope you can shed some light and if you think there is still hope in getting my ex back.

    So I’ve been with her for 4 years and we lived together. The relationship has always been good with some ups and downs and nothing really bad or dramatic ever happen throughout those years.

    I am also her first partner to be in a relationship for this long as she had commitment issues in the past. I was glad that we went on really well. So then last year I lost my dad and it got me into a really bad depression. I started being over clingy and needy I’d say but I of course tried to find ways to get better as well. Then at the end of last year she suddenly told me that she wanted us to have a time off as she isn’t sure with her feelings anymore. So I did the usual begging and then I told her okay we can have a time off and we both went away for the weekend without each other. She came back and I gave her about a week or so and ask her again. She still said she is not sure. So I made a self reflection of the things that I thought may be wrong. I then told her that it’s probably this and that and I’d like to make it up and be better. She kept on insisting that it will not work out. Then 2 months later I asked her again and she finally told me the truth that she fell for someone at work and it happened prolly few months after I lost my dad. I was really disappointed with it because I thought it was really because of me.

    So the moment she told me it was due to that, I told her that I’ll let her go but continued to stay in the house while searching for a new place which I found in 2 weeks but during those 2 weeks I still treated her well because I wanted her to know that I’ll always love her right until the day I move.

    So finally now I have moved out and have given her one last call because she wanted to talk to me. Tomorrow onwards I’ll be going on NC for good and I have kept the place i move to as a secret from her though she insisted to know. I just told her to do her thinking of what she wants in her life. So based on my story do you think this NC would help to save the relationship or does it sound like I don’t have anymore chances to get her back?

    Thanks for taking the time to read.

    1. NC alone is never going to help save a relationship if the root cause of the breakup is still there. You don’t just go no contact for 30 days or longer and expect any problems to just magically fix themselves.

      Besides asking her to think about what she really wants, it is also important that you take the time to decide what you really want.

      If after some serious introspection, you decided that getting her back is the right thing to do, you need to know that nc alone is not going to bring you together. You need to fix the root cause of the breakup.

      For example, if your relationship lack passion, then you should learn how to keep the passion alive. If you are a “nice” guy and have problem enforcing boundary (as a result, your ex doesn’t respect and trust you), then you need to learn how to assert yourself.

      Basically, it is about cultivating new relationship skills so that you have the ability to make your relationship better than before.

      Also, it is important to educate yourself on the fundamentals of getting your ex back. This is something you will learn in our newsletter. If you are interested to learn more, you can sign up above.

  21. Me and my ex split on mutual and good terms 8 months ago and both agreed to no contact, though my bf told me he was always at the end of the phone if I needed him. I needed him last month and sent him a message. He told me in no uncertain terms not to contact him. I was devastated and assumed he must have met someone. We were together for 3 years always good friends but could never get it totally right. I realise now how much he meant to me. Is it too late? I daren’t contact him anymore. I’ve not seen him once since splitting up.

    1. It is normal for people to go through an emotional roller coaster after a breakup. One moment, they may feel good with you and want to keep in touch with you. Another moment, they may feel bad and doesn’t want to hear from you anymore. So don’t automatically assume that he is dating someone else. Even if he is dating someone else, that doesn’t mean you have no more chance or it is too late. It may just be a rebound relationship.

      The important thing here is to ask yourself what you really want. If you know what you want, have the courage to pursue it. Try to contact him again with a simple friendly message. After all, how do you know he isn’t happy to hear from you?

  22. Hi Sam, my boyfriend broke up with me a week ago and I am 5 days into the no contact rule (i broke it two days after the breakup).

    We were together for 2 years, and we rarely fought and his reason for breaking up with me because he wanted to be single because he has been in a relationship since he went out of high school. So every time he broke up with someone, was because he had some other girl and all of his ex girlfriends were the ones who approached him first and he never approached girls first.

    That being said, he said he still loves me and he wants me to live my life and not wait for him. He also said he was going to be honest and that he has a crush on another girl but hasn’t taken any approaches towards her. Just that he felt something. Maybe he’s trying out his new found freedom.

    If I do not contact him for 30 days, is it safe for me to contact him afterwards? I really love him and I feel like he is the one because we were bestfriends first before we became romantically involved.

    Since we broke off on a good note (no unnecessary screaming or shouting or throwing things, we discussed it like mature adults), would that make it more likely for us to get back together?

    Sometimes I feel like my ex isn’t like most guys, but since he wants the freedom, then he is almost like the typical guy. He says he doesn’t know what he wants and he doesn’t know if he can commit if we ever get married.

    So how would I go about this? I know you can’t guarantee me that he’ll come back, but what are my chances? likely? highly likely? unlikely?

    I’m trying to move on and improve myself but a week already feels like a year. It feels like I won’t be able to move on.

    1. The real reason for a breakup is always due to the loss of emotional connection. So the reason he gives you is just an excuse.

      Anyway, based on what you mentioned so far, it seems like he is still very immature and is not ready to be in a committed relationship. With that said, I am not going to discourage you from trying to get him back. Because this is a personal decision you have to make and I respect your decision. After all, like I mentioned above, if you become really good at connecting with him emotionally, it is very possible to get him to fall in love with you again.

      However, I will still recommend that before you try to get him back, do an exercise first. This exercise will give you a lot more clarity and help you decide whether this relationship is worth saving.

      We share this exercise in our breakup mistakes report. You can get the report for free by signing up for our newsletter below.

      After you have done the exercise and decided that the relationship is worth saving, then you should do no contact in a specific way we recommend in our newsletter.

      The normal way of no contact will never work. So what if you don’t contact him for 30 days? It doesn’t change anything at all.

      The purpose of no contact is to develop your relationship skills so that you are able to connect with him on the emotional level, not the logical level. You will learn what skills you need to develop in our newsletter.

      The chances of you getting your ex back depends mainly on you.

      Are you a passive person who waits for things to happen? Or are you an action taker who take your education of getting your ex back seriously?

      Are you someone who believes that your chance is dependent on some external forces outside of your control? Or are you someone who believes you can take control of yourself and do something constructive to improve your chances of getting your ex back?

      If you the latter, then our newsletter is a good place to start. We share more in depth information with action takers, like how to do no contact properly and a whole lot more.

  23. Hi Sam! Will the no contact rule work if she lost trust about something I can’t control? My ex got upset because I didn’t tell her my age when we first met. When I finally did she basically painted me as a liar for not telling her I was a different age than she had thought. She wouldn’t respond to text or a phone message. I told her I hope we can talk and told her to give me a call when she comes back from vacation. We are both adults so I don’t really understand why it’s such an issue being we have known eachother for years and it never really came up. Is this a deal breaker or should no contact apply here as well?

    1. How old are you and how old did she think you are? How old is she? Did she ask for your age in the past?

      I will need more details from you to answer your question properly.

      I don’t think it is a deal breaker though. Just make sure you don’t make the mistakes mentioned in our free report. You can download the free report by signing up for our newsletter.

  24. Hey my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago because of no emotional support. Since then I have seen her 3 times twice at her new place and once at mine. Been out for dinner once. We are still friends on fb, any chance?

    1. This is a very broad question. Whether you have a chance or not is mainly dependent on what you do.

      Put it this way. There are people who managed to get their ex back even though their situation may seem impossible because they didn’t give up and they have a plan. There are also people who don’t even though their situation is not really that bad because they have already given up or they don’t have a plan and just randomly do things that don’t work.

      You can sign up for our newsletter to learn more. You will learn what works and what doesn’t when it comes to getting your ex back.

  25. Hi Sam i hope you can help me
    figure out whats the best thing to do in my situation, my ex and I were together for 3 years we have deep connection with each other… we were so compatible in everything.. only thing is he had issues in his past that he is still working on. he got married when he was teenager and had a kid.. which at that time he said he was still immature, i met him 4years after that relationship he was totally emotionally ready and mature. what made our relationship hard was my family who were very conservative typer and werent happy for me to have him.. i tried to hide our realtionship for 3 years and we were both waiting for a best time to tell them.. last year of october things just got too complicated bet. I first gave up in our relationship and broke it off with him. He was telling his friends he got so disappointed cause he was doing his best to prove his love for me and to my family and i left him. I told him it was never easy for me to go against my family always… i went out tried dating others and it never worked out. I knew it was him that i really like and could live with… and i am ready to fight for him for my family… or atleast talk to them to accept him already. When i was trying to get back with him in January 2017, he still entertained me whenever we see each other we were always happy and feels like just how comfortable we’re when were together. But when we’re apart i dont hear him like usual he is detached and doesnt contact me like before.. later on i knew he was seeing someone else already. I talked to him about it and he keeps saying he doesnt have plans with thia girl, theyve agreed that its just like a booty call or FWB. But it still hurts me that he is talking to this giral at the same time to me. So when i knew there’s a new girl in the picture, i tried my best to get him back.. chased him and that pushed him away to me.. i did that like for 2 weeks but eventually got tired. So i told him, i will respect that you need space now, and i cant just really be there while yoire still talking to someone else, i told him just contact me when you think youre really ready… so we’ve been like on and off talking since march to june.. whenever he contacts me i believe he is done with that girl, but i could still see some signs he is still with him then i back off.. he tells me
    He misses me a lot, i shouldnt date… and he is trying to exit that girl already. Last time i talked to him was july 2017, on my birthday he invited me to his house with his family… it felt real that i thought he have finally made the exit with the other girl.. 3 days after my bday i saw that the girl still goes to his house. I talked to him about it i was crying… i told him that e’ve talked about it already that he shouldnt bother me when there still another girl… he saw how much i got hurt i didnt nagg or anything i just showed him how much ive got hurt of his behavior, he was so sorry and was asking for apology and cried.. he sent me a long message after saying he have hurt me so much… and he thinks that we have to move on separately i think his guilt is over him… i am on my 1 month and half NC with him i still have not heard anything and i missed him a lot… but i just think that he is the first one to reach out but i dont know if he will ever do. I have corrected all his issues to me, my family are ready to accept him, caused theyve seen how much i got lost and changed when i broke up with him…. please help on whats the best thing to do..

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