Everybody who has ever gone through a breakup — nasty, amicable, or somewhere in-between — knows about the “no contact” rule or nc: no communication whatsoever between you and your ex after the breakup.
This means no emails, no calls, no text messages, no stalking on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, other social networking sites, no Googling his or her name, and definitely no pretending to drop by the places he or she normally goes or hangs out in for at least a month or 30 days.
Here Are Some Frequently Asked Questions About The NC Rule:
1. Does the no contact rule really work?
2. How long should I stay away from my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?
3. Can it backfire?
4. Should I wish my ex happy birthday during no contact?
Let’s answer these questions together.
1. Does No Contact Always Work To Get Him or Her Back?
Obviously, N.C. cannot work for every situation. You may have heard many success stories but you cannot expect a 100% success rate. There are some relationships that are just too damaged to be saved.
Then there are cases where you are just not compatible with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That is why you broke up in the first place. Sometimes, you are dealing with a stubborn ex. For these situations, no contact doesn’t work.
And if you are trying to get your ex back after a long time, such as a year or longer, then obviously no contact isn’t applicable.
Otherwise, there are many situations where the no contact rule can work really really well. This is what we will discuss in the later part of this article.
2. How Long Should I Stay Away From Him or Her?
You are probably confused because every website is giving you a different number of days, weeks or months. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I decided to do a quick research and see what are the various numbers that are being given.
Here are what I found:
Obviously, the most common one is the 30 day no contact rule, which is equivalent to 4 weeks or 1 month of no contact.
Then there is the shorter 21 days version.
We also have the 2 months or 60 days version.
Of course, there are many more but I am not going to list them here. Anyway, these are the 3 most popular versions of the NC rule.
So which version should you follow?
Well, there is really no hard and fast rule with regards to the number of days you should go no contact. Every situation is different and you should act according to your situation.
If the breakup is due to something really serious such as you cheating on your ex, then you probably need a longer time for the heat to settle down. In this case, you may want to adopt the 60 days version.
If the breakup is because of a stupid argument or something not that serious, then the 21 days version will be the one for you. In fact, you may not even need 21 days.
For the vast majority of the situations, 30 days of no contact work the best. That is probably why it is the most popular version.
3. Can The No Contact Rule Backfire?
Yes, the no contact rule is a bad idea if you take it too far. For example, some people end up doing 6 months or even 1 year of no contact and are surprised that their ex has moved on and are in a new relationship.
If you have decided to move on and don’t want your ex back anymore, then you are definitely encouraged to stay away from your ex for as long as you want. However, if you still want your ex back, then 6 months is definitely too long.
4. Should I Send A Birthday Message To My Ex During NC?
It is not necessary to send a greeting. After all, it is not going to make a big difference with regards to whether you will get him or her back. Some experts will tell you not to send the birthday greetings. Some experts will tell you to do so.
Here is my answer for you. It is up to you. My answer is based on the 80 20 principle. Basically, 20% of the things you do is going to get you 80% of the results when it comes to getting your ex back. The reverse is also true. The other 80% of the things you do is only going to give you 20% result.
Wishing your ex happy birthday belongs to the 80% of insignificant things. So don’t worry too much about it.
However, I would not recommend sending a birthday card or letter, especially if you are using it as an excuse to pour out your feelings. This is going to backfire. If you want, just a text or Facebook message will do. Don’t overdo it.
Why No Contact Is A Good Idea After A Break Up
The “no contact” rule is important for a number of reasons, chief of which is that it is the most effective coping mechanism to help you move on. The “no contact” rule has certainly worked not just for me, but also for a lot of other people. In a nutshell: Without any physical reminders about your ex, you’re able to get over the breakup in a shorter span of time.
However, the “no contact” rule is also a tried-and-tested method if you still harbor feelings for your ex and want to rekindle the relationship. Here’s why it’s important to use the “no contact” rule to get your ex back.
It’s All About Self Respect
Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, it won’t do you any good to come sniffing around so soon after you’ve just broken up. Doing so will only feed your ex’s ego and make him or her think that you can’t live without him or her — and that’s definitely NOT a good thing.
Take it from me: When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I was the one who initiated contact post-breakup, even if I was the one who broke things off. At that time, I still loved my ex, and I wanted him back. But by not following the “no contact” rule, my plan to win my ex back backfired.
And that’s when I realized that hounding, pestering, and stalking my ex only pushed him farther away from me, instead of giving me the result that I wanted. I was sending him mixed signals, after all — I was the one who wanted to break up, so why was I suddenly chasing after him again?
So, lesson learned: If you want to win back your ex, reinforce the “no contact” rule. By doing so, you’re showing that you’re able to live a life that doesn’t include your ex. And sooner or later, your ex is bound to hear news about you, and how you’re thriving in your new found single status — which will definitely lead him or her to missing you.
Listen Up, Ladies (Men Should Take Note Too!)
Generally, women are more prone to NOT adhering to the “no contact” rule compared to men. So ladies, man up and put some steel in your spine, and listen to this story about how abiding that rule helped Shannon win her ex back.
“I admit that following the ‘no contact’ rule wasn’t easy. I was so tempted to give up several times, if not for my friends and family, who were so adamant that I dissolve any form of contact with my ex,” she relates.
Shannon admits that her ex always had the “upper” hand in the relationship. “I was the clingy one, the one who was more emotionally invested in the relationship. So when he broke up with me, he was probably expecting me to come crawling back to him. But I didn’t!” she says proudly, beaming. “I did my own stuff. I stayed away. I took up a new hobby, went on a trip, and started working out to keep my mind off him.”
Needless to say, Shannon’s ex was bewildered when he didn’t hear from her. “He was asking people about me, asking what I was up to. No one would tell him. In fact, some of our mutual friends even told him to let it — me — go.
And THAT’S when he realized that he misses me,” she shares. “One day, he just called me up, asking how I was. Our communication became more regular, and then he said he wanted me back.”
The “no contact” interval gave Shannon the confidence and her sense of self that she “lost while I was with him.” She says, “I told him that I needed to think about it. When we met up to talk again, I informed him that I was willing to give our relationship another try, but on one condition: He had to get used to the new, improved me.
I wasn’t going to go back to being the doormat girlfriend he was used to. I was determined that he knew that — that I wasn’t going to be the type of girlfriend he’d allow to hang around him for an ego boost.”
Suffice to say, the “no contact” rule worked in Shannon’s favor in winning her ex back. “We’ve been together for two years since we got back together, and he’s been hinting about getting married. But we’ll see,” she grins.
You’ll Gain A New Perspective and Become More Objective
With the “no contact” rule in place, you’re able to see things more clearly, and along the way, you’ll also realize how both of you had messed up your relationship.
Take the case of Audrey and Jordan. Shares Audrey, “We both agreed the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, so we broke up. It was a mutual decision. Even though I was devastated and missed him desperately, my friends and I were determined that I follow the ‘no contact’ rule. It really worked wonders in helping me cope, and during those 30 days, I was able to view our relationship in a new light.”
Adds Jordan, “The ‘no contact’ rule helped both Audrey and me to figure out what went wrong in our relationship. Prior to our breakup, we were fighting all the time. That break gave us breathing room and space to find clarity — and for me, it made me realize that I wanted to give our relationship another try. Luckily, Audrey felt the same.”
So take note: If you want to get your ex back, it’s imperative that you follow the “no contact” rule. Why? Because that interval will help you grow and mature on your own, find your inner strength, and you’ll definitely be a better person once you and your partner decide to go for another romantic round.