Why The No Contact Rule Is So Important After A Breakup

 

Everybody who has ever gone through a breakup — nasty, amicable, or somewhere in-between — knows about the “no contact” rule or nc: no communication whatsoever between you and your ex after the breakup.

This means no emails, no calls, no text messages, no stalking on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, other social networking sites, no Googling his or her name, and definitely no pretending to drop by the places he or she normally goes or hangs out in for at least a month or 30 days.

 

Here Are Some Frequently Asked Questions About The NC Rule:

1. Does the no contact rule really work?

2. How long should I stay away from my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?

3. Can it backfire?

4. Should I wish my ex happy birthday during no contact?

Let’s answer these questions together.

 

1. Does No Contact Always Work To Get Him or Her Back?

Obviously, N.C. cannot work for every situation. You may have heard many success stories but you cannot expect a 100% success rate. There are some relationships that are just too damaged to be saved.

Then there are cases where you are just not compatible with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That is why you broke up in the first place. Sometimes, you are dealing with a stubborn ex. For these situations, no contact doesn’t work.

And if you are trying to get your ex back after a long time, such as a year or longer, then obviously no contact isn’t applicable.

Otherwise, there are many situations where the no contact rule can work really really well. This is what we will discuss in the later part of this article.

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2. How Long Should I Stay Away From Him or Her?

You are probably confused because every website is giving you a different number of days, weeks or months. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I decided to do a quick research and see what are the various numbers that are being given.

Here are what I found:

Obviously, the most common one is the 30 day no contact rule, which is equivalent to 4 weeks or 1 month of no contact.

Then there is the shorter 21 days version.

We also have the 2 months or 60 days version.

Of course, there are many more but I am not going to list them here. Anyway, these are the 3 most popular versions of the NC rule.

So which version should you follow?

Well, there is really no hard and fast rule with regards to the number of days you should go no contact. Every situation is different and you should act according to your situation.

If the breakup is due to something really serious such as you cheating on your ex, then you probably need a longer time for the heat to settle down. In this case, you may want to adopt the 60 days version.

If the breakup is because of a stupid argument or something not that serious, then the 21 days version will be the one for you. In fact, you may not even need 21 days.

For the vast majority of the situations, 30 days of no contact work the best. That is probably why it is the most popular version.

 

3.   Can The No Contact Rule Backfire?

Yes, the no contact rule is a bad idea if you take it too far. For example, some people end up doing 6 months or even 1 year of no contact and are surprised that their ex has moved on and are in a new relationship.

If you have decided to move on and don’t want your ex back anymore, then you are definitely encouraged to stay away from your ex for as long as you want. However, if you still want your ex back, then 6 months is definitely too long.

 

4. Should I Send A Birthday Message To My Ex During NC?

It is not necessary to send a greeting. After all, it is not going to make a big difference with regards to whether you will get him or her back. Some experts will tell you not to send the birthday greetings. Some experts will tell you to do so.

Here is my answer for you. It is up to you. My answer is based on the 80 20 principle. Basically, 20% of the things you do is going to get you 80% of the results when it comes to getting your ex back. The reverse is also true. The other 80% of the things you do is only going to give you 20% result.

Wishing your ex happy birthday belongs to the 80% of insignificant things. So don’t worry too much about it.

However, I would not recommend sending a birthday card or letter, especially if you are using it as an excuse to pour out your feelings. This is going to backfire. If you want, just a text or Facebook message will do.  Don’t overdo it.

 

Why No Contact Is A Good Idea After A Break Up

The “no contact” rule is important for a number of reasons, chief of which is that it is the most effective coping mechanism to help you move on. The “no contact” rule has certainly worked not just for me, but also for a lot of other people. In a nutshell: Without any physical reminders about your ex, you’re able to get over the breakup in a shorter span of time.

However, the “no contact” rule is also a tried-and-tested method if you still harbor feelings for your ex and want to rekindle the relationship. Here’s why it’s important to use the “no contact” rule to get your ex back.

 

It’s All About Self Respect

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, it won’t do you any good to come sniffing around so soon after you’ve just broken up. Doing so will only feed your ex’s ego and make him or her think that you can’t live without him or her — and that’s definitely NOT a good thing.

Take it from me: When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I was the one who initiated contact post-breakup, even if I was the one who broke things off. At that time, I still loved my ex, and I wanted him back. But by not following the “no contact” rule, my plan to win my ex back backfired.

And that’s when I realized that hounding, pestering, and stalking my ex only pushed him farther away from me, instead of giving me the result that I wanted. I was sending him mixed signals, after all — I was the one who wanted to break up, so why was I suddenly chasing after him again?

So, lesson learned: If you want to win back your ex, reinforce the “no contact” rule. By doing so, you’re showing that you’re able to live a life that doesn’t include your ex. And sooner or later, your ex is bound to hear news about you, and how you’re thriving in your new found single status — which will definitely lead him or her to missing you.

 

Listen Up, Ladies (Men Should Take Note Too!)

Generally, women are more prone to NOT adhering to the “no contact” rule compared to men. So ladies, man up and put some steel in your spine, and listen to this story about how abiding that rule helped Shannon win her ex back.

“I admit that following the ‘no contact’ rule wasn’t easy. I was so tempted to give up several times, if not for my friends and family, who were so adamant that I dissolve any form of contact with my ex,” she relates.

Shannon admits that her ex always had the “upper” hand in the relationship. “I was the clingy one, the one who was more emotionally invested in the relationship. So when he broke up with me, he was probably expecting me to come crawling back to him. But I didn’t!” she says proudly, beaming. “I did my own stuff. I stayed away. I took up a new hobby, went on a trip, and started working out to keep my mind off him.”

Needless to say, Shannon’s ex was bewildered when he didn’t hear from her. “He was asking people about me, asking what I was up to. No one would tell him. In fact, some of our mutual friends even told him to let it — me — go.

And THAT’S when he realized that he misses me,” she shares. “One day, he just called me up, asking how I was. Our communication became more regular, and then he said he wanted me back.”

The “no contact” interval gave Shannon the confidence and her sense of self that she “lost while I was with him.” She says, “I told him that I needed to think about it. When we met up to talk again, I informed him that I was willing to give our relationship another try, but on one condition: He had to get used to the new, improved me.

I wasn’t going to go back to being the doormat girlfriend he was used to. I was determined that he knew that — that I wasn’t going to be the type of girlfriend he’d allow to hang around him for an ego boost.”

Suffice to say, the “no contact” rule worked in Shannon’s favor in winning her ex back. “We’ve been together for two years since we got back together, and he’s been hinting about getting married. But we’ll see,” she grins.

 

You’ll Gain A New Perspective and Become More Objective

With the “no contact” rule in place, you’re able to see things more clearly, and along the way, you’ll also realize how both of you had messed up your relationship.

Take the case of Audrey and Jordan. Shares Audrey, “We both agreed the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, so we broke up. It was a mutual decision. Even though I was devastated and missed him desperately, my friends and I were determined that I follow the ‘no contact’ rule. It really worked wonders in helping me cope, and during those 30 days, I was able to view our relationship in a new light.”

Adds Jordan, “The ‘no contact’ rule helped both Audrey and me to figure out what went wrong in our relationship. Prior to our breakup, we were fighting all the time. That break gave us breathing room and space to find clarity — and for me, it made me realize that I wanted to give our relationship another try. Luckily, Audrey felt the same.”

So take note: If you want to get your ex back, it’s imperative that you follow the “no contact” rule. Why? Because that interval will help you grow and mature on your own, find your inner strength, and you’ll definitely be a better person once you and your partner decide to go for another romantic round.

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154 thoughts on “Why The No Contact Rule Is So Important After A Breakup

  1. Hi my girlfriend broke up with me 6 days ago, 5 days after our 4th anniversary, I really want her back we broke up because she said she was unhappy and depressed and didn’t want sex anymore, I treated her like a goddess and only wanted to make her happy and be with her forever, I still love her and want her back, we broke up because she didn’t talk to me anymore about anything and didn’t work as a team to work it out and said it’s gone to far now to go back , she wants to be best friends but I still love her I want to try 30 days no contacT (shes still tested me everyday since) but during in our relationship there was times she said she “forgot about me” so I’m worried that this will majorly backfire or she will think I’m just ignoring her :( should I go ahead with the no contact rule? I love her with all my heart and soul

    1. she said the past year she wasn’t happy we didn’t spend as much time together as we both had new jobs she has problems of her own and I wasn’t conifindent enough to support her properly I am now and I got some new things going on in my life already I want her to rethinK it but I dont know if she will sorry for multiple comments will this trick work? Won’t she just forget about me or get annoyed I’m not trying to stay friends with her like I’m ignoring her?

      1. Not contacting her doesn’t mean you are ignoring her.

        If she contacts you and you chose not to reply, then that is considered ignoring her.

        If you want to get back together with her, you need to change the relationship dynamics. No contact can help you with that.

        You get the time to work on yourself and develop new relationship skills so that you can change the way you communicate with her and get better results.

        Staying in contact is not going to help you achieve any progress if you keep on communicating with her in the same old ineffective way.

  2. Hi,
    Thanks for such a great article – slowly helping to put my mind at ease. My ex and I broke up on Thursday because he was worried we were at the “meet the parent stage” (we were nowhere near, not even discussed it) and he wasn’t ready for that and therefore no longer ready for a relationship. He’s 35, single for 3 years, I’m 27, single for 1. Our relationship has been great and very happy. Genuinely nothing for me to write or complain about so it all came out of the blue. I had wondered if his mum had found out and applied some pressure. I’d met his friends and he mine. On Sunday we text briefly, where he said to me he thought the world of me, he just wasn’t in that place. But then sent a text describing what he thought of me “27, hot, likes marvel, has a degree. But I would also add: funny, kind, smart, pretty, amazing in bed and gorgeous x” So I’ve left it at that but I don’t understand. If that’s what he thinks why let me go? I’m only on day 3 of NC so very early days, however we were only together 2 and a half months. I’ve never been so happy in a relationship – where we complimented each other so well, were happy 99% of the time and had the same goals and outlooks on life. Do I have a chance of him getting in contact if I do NC for 30 days. Or is this a lost cause?

  3. Hi sam…
    My ex of three year just recently told me that it was over. Tht our relationship is toxic and he wanted to be single. We have a one-year old son. At first he said tht he would just pay child support so he wouldn’t feel guilty for moving on. About a week later he calls to see his so… i had went no contact but broke it because he was trash talking like I’m trying to keep his son from him i tired to explain that this was not the case i need time to accept the fact that is was over between us…. thn he dropped a bomb and told me he was seeing someone and on top of that he’s living with her. I was crushed. I wish i didn’t answer tht call… he eventually told me she was a stripper and tht he was happy in love after just three weeks of them knowing each other and that he was very happy… in fact he was happy the first day he left. So, i went back no contact and changed my number. I know we have a child but i feel like i have to get my mind right before i can deal with him. I feel bad for my son but i have to overcome my emotions. I tired to get him to pick his son up whenever he wanted to thru a third party but he refused and said he wanted to deal with only me. I still love tht man and it is hard mentally and emotionally to deal with him right now.

  4. Hey Sam,
    Me and my girlfriend after 6 1/2 years of being together broke up. 2 months ago. Not the first time we brake up. 2 years after being wit. Her i broke up with her because I wasn’t ready for a long relationship. I was 18 at the time so was she. After 6 months I contacted her and we started dating again. Now fast forward 4 1/2 years, she broke up with me because in my part I didn’t show her a lot of emotion and effectiom. She would tell me and I would do it but slowly back off. I was busy with school and work and didn’t know how to balance everything out unfortunately. It’s been a week since we basically said our last good bye and I haven’t contacted her. I left on good terms with her. But it’s been 2 months now that we are “broke up”. How long should I keep this No Contact with her?

  5. Hi, its been 1 week now since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I started the no contact rule but always get tempted on sending him msgs as he was away working in Saudi and I know he’s on the adjustment stage. I feel bad coz I know its lonely out there. The reason for our break up was because I saw him consistently stalking a girl in Facebook which was actually the reason of our break up 2 years ago. He also tried to contact the girl’s bestfriend trying to get updated with her. I was hurt and decided to break up with him. Right now, I feel guilty coz I didnt let him explain his side. I dont know if no contact rule would work for us. Please help

    1. Sam, I hope you could give me some sort of advice. We’ve been together for 6 years. I dont know if NC would work. I felt like im just pushing him away meeting new girls and I am making him mad at me by suddently not responding to his msg after our break up and not answering his calls. what do you think would be the best thing to do? I want him back. I broke up with him to let him know that I wont tolerate any action that would lead cheating which we experienced 2 years ago.

  6. Hey Sam,

    Me and my girlfriend broke up in March of this year .. Yet we still had contact with each other because we had school together which ended on April 30. I found out she met someone a couple weeks after we broke up after being together for a little over a year. She said she is no longer in love with me anymore after a couple weeks of us being broken up over an argument that got out of hand. She text me a few days ago to tell me something about an account i had an i just responded okay I’ll take care of it thanks. Did this ruin my thirty days no contact and if so what should I do? In my mind this new guy is a distraction and it’s maybe why she doesn’t want to get back but she has been a bi*** after breaking up with me and said she is sure she doesn’t love me and is done with me. For the most part our relationship was good just had arguements a little more than usual and she said she was tired of it.

  7. Ok so I am young. And young relationships aren’t bound to last long, but I am curious if the no contact rule could at all work in my favor in this situation. Just hours ago, my boyfriend messaged me saying he thought we should break up. I messaged him a few times, and said if he thought it wasn’t working, then we should. He never responded. We only dated for roughly 3 weeks. So yea it was short lived. But a lot happened to us in that time span. He is a player. He flirts a lot and has a reputation. I already knew he would be trouble before we started dating, but when we did get together, the beginning of the relationship he gave me constant attention, constantly contacted me, and was the needy one. He begged for me, and was even obsessive. He also would get jealous of me talking to other guys. He is the very jealous type. I was the one giving him more moderate return of feelings. Our first official date was good. He was clearly very into me. He even told everyone in school about how we were dating. I had all the power in my hands. Then, he moved schools. We used to go to school together but he switched because of a family issue. I already know there was at least one girl there that caught his attention. But I chose to ignore the obvious signs because I was into him. He began to contact me less and less every day. I didn’t like it at all. I ended up being the one to text him first and we would even go for up to two days without communicating unless I started it. I brought up my concerns a few times, but he always reassured me he wanted me and loved me. He clearly was not as Interetsed in me. So i had plans set up for us to go on another date just Sunday: a few days ago. He told me he looked forward to seeing me. And we went. Everything seemed fine. He kissed me, touched me, whispered I love you baby into my ear. And I made him laugh a few times. We enjoyed ourselves. A lot. Then dinner came around. It was quiet between us. Not much conversation. However, he isn’t known for being very good at communicating properly with any girl he has been with. So I didn’t pay it any mind. It was still nice. Things started to turn sketchy and questionable when my parents were driving us back to his place to drop him off. He spent the ride talking to my brother and parents instead of me. I wanted to reach for his hand or something but I was worried he didn’t want that right then so I just turned and stared blankly out he window. When he left, he said bye to me and that was that. I messaged him soon after saying I wished he had kissed me goodbye. He said he didn’t because my family was looking at us. Which made sense. After that, his response were fairly short but he had meantioned earlier not getting much sleep. So I didn’t worry about it. I even told him how much I loved him, and he echoed those feelings back. Then the conversation randomly died on a weird note but we were both tired and I assumed he fell asleep. However, he didn’t message me the next day. I didn’t do it first because lately I always was the first to text and didn’t want to be a needy gf. Then another day passed. Nothing. At that point, I knew something was probably up. Today, he messaged me once hours ago, saying he thought we should break up. I responded an hour later asking him why but when no answer came for a bit I just added on that he shouldnt have said he loved me if he didn’t mean it, and that if he thought it wasn’t working, then we should be over. Since then, no response from him. I’m he almost guaranteed has girls That he is into And may even be with someone rn. I wouldnt know. I still want him tho. And I’m wondering, would the no contact rule have any affect on him? Would it make him want to contact me at some point wanting me back? Or would that be worthless. Idk because If he does still want me In any way at all, that would make him miss me, but if he’s totally over it, that would t work. So Idk what to expect from avoiding contact and posting up pictures of me enjoying my time without him?

  8. So I dated this girl (I’m a lesbian) for two years, and she recently got an arranged marriage to a man because of family pressure. It was a wonderful relationship and I am now shattered and find it so difficult to move on. She was very closeted when we met, but slowly everyone in our college got to know about us, and she seemed okay with that. She had come out to her family, who were basically not ok with it and pushed her back into the closet. She has not told her husband about herself. I’m still madly in love with her, and I’m fairly sure she isn’t over me either. What’s more, she looks at her marriage as something ‘inevitable’ that she had no say in. She seems to be very good at faking it with her family and husband as well, and this hurts me deeply. We still do text each other, but I am now considering the NC rule, because I’m so tired of being hurt. I don’t know if this is a good idea and really want her back in my life. What on earth do I do?

  9. Hi Sam! My boyfriend broke up with me 6 days ago. We were together for 4 months but spent every single day together so it felt like longer. Anyways, we had been arguing for a few days before he broke up with me. He’s having money issues right now and was very stressed. Anytime he gets stressed he takes it out on me by being short, argumentative and second guessing our relationship. Also, my birthday was in 10 days from the day he broke up with me (4 days from now) and I think he felt pressured to do something amazing for me since it will be my 30th (he said it was a big deal turning 30). Anyways, I work as a Promotional Model and I worked at a golf tournament. At the golf tournament we have to serve men alcohol drinks and of course they flirt with us and give us large tips. The girls working are allowed to drink and I had a couple Bloody Mary’s to loosen up and have fun and I got a little tipsy. My boyfriend decided to show up unannounced and when he did I was being driven back from the bathroom in a golf cart by one of the golfer guys (he was older and unattractive) and he had his arm either around my shoulder or on the back of the seat. My boyfriend saw this and was very angry (he’s very jealous). And was also angry that I was drinking and having fun. He said to me before I went into the golf tournament “I hope you have a boring day”. So he was definitely mad that I was having fun without him. We argued and he took me home. At my house he kept yelling “I’m done”, “This was your third chance”, “It’s over”, etc. He’s been cheated on by most of his ex-girlfriends so he has major issues. He doesn’t trust me even though I haven’t done anything to make him not trust me. That’s just how he is. So he left my house and I of course called him 25 times like a crazy ex girlfriend and he didn’t answer. Since that day I have called him and text him numerous times. I went to his house twice and he saw it was me and didn’t answer the door. So 4 days after he broke up with me I left a 3 page letter on his door apologizing for what happened, explaining to him what happened before he showed up and that I didn’t cheat on him or do anything inappropriate (just in case he was thinking that) and basically saying I would like to talk to him because I believe we can resolve this and I care about him very much. I know he got the letter because I went back to his house an hour later to see if it was still on his door and it was gone. I then text his best friend (she’s hung out with us numerous times and has helped us with other problems we’ve had) and explained the situation to her and asked if there is anything else I can do. She of course never text me back. I have a feeling she told him I text her and he told her not to respond. So I decided yesterday to start No Contact. I’m on day 2 of not contact him and it is so hard. I care about him so much and I feel like we have an amazing connection. We agree on really important issues. We have fights here and there, but nothing major and we always work through them. I thought he’d cool off after a few days and talk to me, but I still have heard nothing. And to make matters worse, my birthday is in 4 days and we were suppose to spend it together :( So my question is…should I contact him on my birthday and see if he’ll talk to me? Or should I just wait it out 30 days and then contact him at the end of 30 days? I’m willing to fight for him because I’ve never felt this way about someone before and I feel as if he’s my soulmate (which I’ve never felt before). Any advice would be appreciative. Thanks!

  10. Oh I forgot to mention that he told me that with his last ex, he thinks she cheated on him (but he’s not sure) and he cut off all contact with her too. He told me that she tried texting/calling him for a few days after he broke up with her and he never responded to her. I asked him if she kept trying would he have talked to her? He said “maybe…she just needed to try harder”. So I’m holding on to hope that if I keep contacting him and keep “trying harder” then he’ll talk to me. But everyone is saying do No Contact for 30 days, then try again.

  11. Hi Sam,

    My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago during a drunken argument. I pushed him away a lot when I drank alcohol and got easily upset by him. There had been a pattern of let downs leading up to this argument. This year I have struggled with anxiety and stress and taken it out on him. Otherwise, we were happy together and loved each other very much. We were making plans for our future and just got back from a holiday together with our families and friends. We were together for one year all together.

    We spoke in some detail a few days after the “drunken” break up. I expressed that I want to make another go of it but he wants to stick to his decision to end it. Since then, we have text each other very brief short messages to sort out matters such as money and collecting belongings etc.

    I want some advice about the NC rule. It has been about 2 weeks since the last text message and 4 weeks since the last conversation. How long should I carry on NC? I feel like the only thing keeping me going is the thought of us getting back together and im scared how I’ll feel if he has decided “no” for good.

    I am also going on a trip away this summer for 5 weeks. Would it be wise to wait to get back to speak to him, or before I go?

    I love this man very much and have come to a lot of realisations over the last 5 weeks about my mistakes and behaviour which led to our break up. I am seeing a therapist about my anxiety and made a conscious effort to cut down drinking to help me relax in social situations. I am trying mediation and making positive changes, but still very upset I lost and hurt my ex boyfriend in the process.

    Any advice would be very appreciated.

    The break up occurred during a big fight where we had both been drinking.

  12. Hey Sam!
    I read all your tips and love everything you wrote. My girlfriend broke up with me after 3 years because she said I was too controlling and didn’t treat her well lately (granted we fought a lot and things were said that shouldn’t have been said). Immediately after the break up she cried all day, wrote me messages like “I miss you”, “I feel so bad to lose you” etc. That phase cooled off quickly when she got in rebound relationship after 1 week. Granted I did something I shouldn’t have and called her out on it. We argued per text back and forth and eventually went NC for one week. After that week she sent me an apology message about the things she said and told me she ended things with him and she wanted to talk to me again in a nice way.
    I contacted her once, spoke with her for like 10 minutes and it was a good talk about what is going on in our lives but ever since she has cut me off. No contact from her side at all despite her leaving me a voice mail asking me to call her and chat.
    I have a feeling her ex from back in the day is back in the picture as a friend saw them together in public…So here I am, been doing NC for two weeks and unfortunately sent her an email today asking how she was doing and what’s new in her life. Of course no response…What should I do? It has been a month since the break up and 2 weeks of NC until today. What do I do? Is there a chance to get her back even if she got back with her ex? I mean we do have some good history together even though I’m sure she hates me right now pretty much for the things I said, even though I did apologize before I went NC. Thanks for your advise – it’s greatly appreciated!

  13. Been with my girl for 5 years. we had a mutual break up because we both felt a disconnect in the relationship. Two weeks after I reached out to her on instagram, she responded but didn’t seem to interested. One week later i called her and she seemed happy to hear from me. Ended up going on a date a few days after, she didn’t seem too interested on the date nor didn’t get all dressed up. Told her that I loved her and to take me back, she declined. My response to her was “well, finally I can I have closure.” Immidiatley it seemed as though she was having regret. Few days later she called me because she had a bad day at school, she was saying how lonley she was etc. I mest up by picking up the phone! I was too available for her. About a week later after that call, I contact her went on a date that same day. This time she was all dressed up for me and had a great time! Only I wasn’t emotionally ready to see her because at the end of the day, emotions came to me and I said to her we probably shouldn’t be doing this. She got emotional and said she doesn’t want to hurt me. Overall through out this whole break up she has been really nice too me she never did ignor me. We haven’t argude since the break up. Just a bit confused.
    Now it’s been 24 days since that day. I’m in my late 20s and she’s in her mid 20s by the way. Just wondering if her being nice to me means she still wants me or quite the opposite.

    I have been improving a lot on my part and feel a whole lot better. I could now focus on my hobbies: piano,excersize. Friends and family have really lifted me up!

    Any thoughts on my situation would be nice!

  14. My ex boyfriend of 6 years accused me of cheating then he broke up with me 3 days later I saw him out to eat with another girl I found that to be very disrespectful seeing that he just accused me of things I’m not doing I shot a drink in his face and walked out its only been a week in a half and I have not called him I’m doing NC but Im wondering if he even care or will he call please help me out.

  15. So me and my ex were best friends for a year and he fought for me the whole time, we ended up dating for 3 months and had a few hiccups and got through them because I always went back and made the effort. We broke up weirdly last week for reasons I don’t even know because as soon as he said he didn’t want to be together I started the 30 day rule. I went to his house that night ( as he broke it up over text after me asking if he wanted to be together) and got my belongings but I didn’t take his stuff, now we haven’t spoke since and I’m wondering if I should ask him if he wants his stuff back ? ( to make him think I’m moving on and happy which goes hand in hand in the NC Period, ) or should I wait for him to ask? My concern is is that if he thinks I’ve still got it and I haven’t initiated contact he will think I’m playing a game and purposely wanting him to come back or not taking the break up seriously ( which again will affect the 30 day NC ) would love your advice on how to tackle this as I really want to do this properly and as effectively as possible.

  16. I have not heard from the guy I was seeing. He kinda of pissed me off so I texted him bad stuff but he never answered then I apologized still no reply. But how it started was this woman he had lived with texted him and then I did not hear from him until I texted him 3 days later. He had just got an apartment and inherited money. I helped him out and thing that bothered me was he never asked me if I need anything. I don’t have a vehicle and asked him to help me look for one he never had time. I even asked him to loan me money and nothing. When I had money, he was always around because he need gas, money, cigarettes and food and now I asked him to loan me and nothing. I guess he’ll never come back. He lied about a lot. I even asked him if he really cared and no answer. I do miss him but I feel like I was being used. Now, he doesn’t want be bothered. What to do?

  17. Hi Sam

    I am in desperate need for advice. My partner and I broke up 5 weeks ago and up to the day before the breakup, the relationship was amazing, the vibe and energy between us was great – we did initially have his family against us because of non important reasons such as nationality and social class but we overcame those until I had an outburst over some silly things and jealousy and then when he “attacked” me back, I said we should probably break up, it’s not working and then the next day he did, but I didn’t really mean it and this time it was me begging for it. We then went on a trip we had planned to take partially together but we didn’t. During these 5 weeks, there was a lot of contact from my side and some from his side to begin with where he said he loved me but couldn’t be with me because I act “that way” (treating him badly when something happens) I’m standoffish and say I don’t feel the same.. :(
    After the break up we met twice before I left. First time he was very emotional and so was the second time and we decided on my arrival back home we would talk about things. After 2-3 weeks of contact (much more intense from my side), he stopped. It’s now been 12 days without any and I’m so heartbroken.
    He has unfriended me on fb but has not changed our photos though he is VERY private and very conservative and has never had any gf pics on his fb.
    He genuinely loved and adored me throughout the relationship and he said this even after the breakup. I am concerned his family are influencing him. He has my home keys and I once asked him to mail them to me because I didn’t want to see him. He hasn’t sent them nor contacted me. He was travelling too and came back from overseas a couple of days back. Does his “10 day no contact” mean that he doesn’t care at all? Is it bad if I keep messaging him ? Is there any tips you can give to me to get him back? I love him with all my heart, and so did he during our relationship. We both thought we would get married together…

  18. Sorry my message doesn’t make sense – i typed it in a rush from my phone and now I see it’s confusing. I want to add one thing: we were absolutely amazing together and broke up over non important stuff. How can he go all quiet and not contact me for over 10 days? It has hurt me so much as we were very intense and very much in love before. He asked me when I was overseas to be selfish and go and have fun and that we’d talk later. But I contacted him all the time as it didn’t feel right to go and have fun when there was hurt between us. Then weeks later he unfriended me from fb and so did his brother. His last msg was over 10 days ago saying bla bla bla have fun and will see you when you get back.. I have written him many times explaining how i see the situation what I feel what I thjnk and telling him how much I love him..

  19. Ps. We were together for 6 months. Sorry for the too many msgs, but I am not thinking straight as I’ve been hurting so much and haven’t had much sleep or food..

  20. Will the NC work after 5 weeks of continuous contact from me and some from him up to 12 days ago? Today is day 1 of NC from me. How many days do I need to do?

  21. Hi,

    My wife and I broke up nearly 3 months ago after 11 years of marriage (14 years together in total). She said she needed space as we hadn’t been getting along well for a while. We both withdrew from each other as we suffered 5 miscarriages and the last was very traumatic. I suffered from depression caused by this which I have now had professional help for. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter who we both love.

    At first I tried to get her back but she was cold and wouldn’t speak to me, I backed off and she started to open up a bit which was great but she started seeing someone new about 4 weeks after we broke up. She told me she “thinks” she loves him but I firmly believe she is filling an emotional void and is confused about how she feels. She has shown signs of being interested in my life still (enquiring about what i’m up to, my new job, etc) and I’ve seen in her eyes that she has an attraction for me again. However she continues with this new relationship.

    I told her that it’s best we don’t speak for a while as I want to try and get on with my life and she agreed not to contact me. Since then she has been messaging me at least once a day asking questions about things she already knows the answer to. Questions about my daughter which she know I have to answer.

    I love her more than anything and can forgive her anything. Am I doing the right thing? Do you think she is starting to realise what she’s lost or losing?

  22. Oh and she went nuts at me when she thought I had a new girlfriend (I don’t) I said that she shouldn’t be bothered as she has a new bf but she didn’t seem to see what I meant.

  23. My boyfriend and i were together for 4.5 years. During the relationship we had taken two “breaks” and failed to keep quiet during them. He had moved in and out of my place two times. This last septmeber we finally got our own home. Well our relationship was good. but when it was bad we couldn’t hold the weight f disappointment. He would avoid because he was tired of arguing. I wouldn’t bring things up because I felt like it wouldn’t go anywhere. Meanwhile, we were both distancing ourselves underneath. We choose to take a two week break again. This time i decided to go off and do my own thing and barely contacted him. He wrote me a beautiful letter, read it aloud, and asked for me back by saying i hope it isn’t “too little, too late”. Somehow no came out of me. My heart sunk the second i said it. I knew i didn’t want to break up. But i felt 50/50 on why he wanted me back so i made a decision. He later on said the break up was mutual, saving face??? After we ended things we got everything out of the table, sex was never better, and we were talking about how we hoped this would just remove the weight and we could start over. Well he went traveling for two weeks in europe with his family ( i was suppose to be there)… we maintained sending sweet messages and then i felt panicky when he said he is confused. I felt like i was loosing him so i was trying to show him I wanted him back right away… He did say he loved me but was confused as to what he wanted. I had a hard time following this NC rule because of how incredible our connection was right after the break up. He came home and we went for a walk. he was completely closed off and said he didn’t know if he wanted a relationship with me at this point and confirmed the time and space thing… He told em to move on and not wait but that he also wouldn’t leave it open ended.. i tried my best but about every 3 days for two weeks i would contact him trying to make sense of his words and also logistics of splitting our home. I have successfully back off for a weak now and plan to go a whole month.. My question is how could he go from saying he realized how he felt and although confused hoping for the best with us.. then he want NC and needs his time and space and to try living on his own (which is new for him).. ?I will continue to live my life as i don’t need him but i want his partnership.. I know i cant 100% know which way this will go.. any advice is great!

  24. Hello,

    I am looking for some guidance as I am really struggling with a recent breakup with my boyfriend of 14 months. He is 33 and I am 37. During our time together, we have grown very close, spending nearly everyday together, sleepovers at one another’s house, holidays, etc. At the same time, there were definite commitment issues on his part. For example, I never received a key to his apartment and he rarely said I love you but he showed me love in many ways by helping me when possible and being supportive.

    About a month ago, he received a phone call at 2am from a unknown girl. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he would have a girl calling at that hour. He explained that it was an ex that he met before me and she had been reaching out to reconnect. I flew off the handle and broke up with him. After that blowout, he explained that he loved me but was not “in love” with me. We didn’t speak for a few days but then he reached out to me and we met to talk. During our talk, we reconnected and decided to work on our relationship, even though he was now expressing that he wasn’t sure if he saw a future with us. Ironically, he never mentioned this lack of clarity about our future until this issue with the phone call.

    Anyways, fast forward the month and we are really enjoying one another, things seem great and I felt that he was consistently trying to reassure me and build trust. Although, I was definitely having some major trust issues when he wasn’t with me. Then last Sunday night, an ex-girlfriend of his texted me and told me that she had been “messing around” with him for quite some time and thought I should know. She got my number because for some strange reason she was at his parent’s house for Christmas (and I thought she was a cousin) and I was talking and laughing with her and gave her my number so that she could send me a pic from the evening. Between, Christmas and last Sunday, (June 15th) I had never heard from her again so this text was a definite surprise. Upon receiving the text, I flew off the handle, texted him and asked him to call me. He said he was busy and then I got more angry and just said, “it’s over, I NEVER want to speak to you again”. The next night he brought my stuff and said that she was simply a jealous ex, nothing was going on but if I wanted to break up, so be it. He then said that he was still questioning our future and didn’t want to be with me anymore. We hugged and he started crying and left. I’ve not heard from him since.

    So, here we are. It’s been a 8 days and I miss him dearly. I feel like I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe I shouldn’t have just broken things off since this ex-girlfriend has a reputation for being a trouble maker. My emotions are all over the board right now. I know I need to use this time to get myself in check but I just have such a void.

    My questions now are:

    1. Should the 30 day rule apply in this scenario or does it sound over for good/
    2. Should I wait the 30 days before reaching out to him? If not, how soon should I reach out to him?
    2. What other tips should I keep in mind so that I can handle this appropriately? How should I reconnect?

    Any help you provide would be great.

  25. I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. We have been having issues due to both of our pasts. My issues was a trust issue due to girlfriends cheating in the past. Her issue was she was lying a lot in the relationship about things in her past I would catch her about. When we would get in fights, I would say means things about her past and just walk out. Even broke up a time or two but we always got back together. I sat her down one day and was very emotional and told her I was sorry for judging her on her past and not on the here and now, even though she lied to me, it was about her past and I said lets move forward, I should not call you names and walk out I am mad about your past that is not right. Anyway soon after that about a week she was getting very distant, I would go no contact but she would still call and ask me to come over. I would because she is going through a child custody case and has extreme money issues and is very stressed or normally I would blew her off a time or two to show you can just ask me to come over when you are treating me so cold. Anyway her phone goes off while she is in the other room, and I see the text chain, and its clear she is in a relationship with her ex boyfriend. She lied about it and said he just contacts her, but I called him and he gave the real story. She contacted him out of the blue and was talking to him for about a week or couple weeks I don’t remember. I was just hurt hearing this. I just walked out of her apartment and am going full no contact. She called about 30 mins later saying I ruined her life because I did tell this ex a secret about her I knew that she didn’t want anyone else to know but I was so hurt. So after she called to leave that voice mail that is the last I have heard. Do you think if i don’t contact her she will contact me?

  26. My ex and I were on again off again for several months after breakup. He never apologized for breaking up and we went talking and being together out of missing each other. But we always fought. . stay apart for a while and then come back together again without discussing the problem. We really cherished each other but something was wrong. He kept breaking up with me, then calling me at night and tell me how much he loves me. I would open up the breakups issues and we fight.. and so on….

    At some point I used nc, and it worked.. he stopped snapping at me and it seems like we were starting new. But I messed it up by being too emotionally hurt and clingy.

    At one point after a heated argument, he blocked and deleted me everywhere. I waited a month and tried to call but he snapped at me, calling me a crazy bitch and to never to call him again. Waited another month then tried to contact, he didn’t even bother to snapp at me, he hanged up once he heard my voice.

    Another month and I sent several msg, that was totally ignored. Two weeks and so and whatsapped him. I was ignored and blocked. We were friends for 5 years before we got together. our relationship lasted about 8 months. It’s been 4 months now since he completely cut me off. I wanna know what to do.

  27. I broke up with my ex almost 2 months ago now. I broke off with him because of our petty fights became big arguments. I admitted I was partly at fault and was sorry for it. I tried to make it up to him, but he became cold and distant instead. I begged slightly, asking him that if we can be back to what we used to be. We were like bestfriends. He said that it won’t likely be and said that he lost a little bit of feelings for me. So when he did something that made me felt disrespected, I broke it off. He even said thank you for letting him go. I did NC directly. But a day before 30 days ended, he texted me for a favor. And now communication is open and we texted occasionally, only to talk about necessary things. I want him back, but I don’t know how to take it from here. Please help.

    1. Take it slowly. Initially, don’t talk about the breakup or getting back together. If you say this too early, it is going to push him away.

      Just try to get him comfortable talking to you at the moment. Gradually, you can deepen your emotional connection with him. When I say emotional connection, I am not necessary talking about things that has got to do with the relationship, although it can be.

      I am talking more about things that happen in daily life. For example, maybe he attended a concert by his favorite band. There must be emotions involved. You can ask him about his experiences, how is it like for him etc. Then you can start connecting with him on an emotional level from there.

      Do this often and eventually, he may start to think of getting back together with you. From time to time, you can also flirt with him if the situation is right. This should help you make some progress.

  28. Hey Sam,

    Me and my ex broke up about a couple of weeks ago. Everything was really good up to that point so I didn’t really see the breakup coming. That particular night, we’ve brought up some past arguments. Then we decided we were cool and we got through it and everything. We were in a long distance for a month because I’m back home from college so im not sure if the distance played a role. Anyway, during Skype, I was positive enough to ask her where she saw the relationship going in the next year. She said that she would like to live the single life at some point. Then she mentions the things I did in the past that really left a negative impression on her. Those were fixed and it didn’t happen again so I have no idea why she is bringing it up now. Having found out that we weren’t on the same page, I broke it off and it hurts. I did not want to be in a relationship where the goal was to end it. Three days later, I texted her and she said that she just wants to be friends and that she doesn’t see me in her future as a romantic partner. I did not beg nor showed any sign of staying in her life. I ended the conversation with “you won’t hear from me again.” It’s been 10 days of NC now. I wish I hadn’t said that but what’s done is done. I’ve been keeping busy and my friends are really supportive as well. But a part of me says I want her back. Is there a chance for me here? Please give it to me straight and honest. I can take it.

  29. I am in need of some advise my fiancé left about 3 weeks ago after 2 years of happiness.
    I have had a number of life changing events my brothers death and getting diabetes and had bad mood swings which I have fixed with medication since she left we have had sporadic texts calls and emails I have started the no contact rule this is the most difficult thing I have ever done I love her but I said things I didn’t mean it was the sickness talking we live about 100 miles apart and I want to try to patch things up she asked for time to heal but she just remembers the past 6 weeks while I was sick not the 2 years of love before what should I do

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