Why The No Contact Rule Is So Important After A Breakup

 

Everybody who has ever gone through a breakup — nasty, amicable, or somewhere in-between — knows about the “no contact” rule or nc: no communication whatsoever between you and your ex after the breakup.

This means no emails, no calls, no text messages, no stalking on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, other social networking sites, no Googling his or her name, and definitely no pretending to drop by the places he or she normally goes or hangs out in for at least a month or 30 days.

 

Here Are Some Frequently Asked Questions About The NC Rule:

1. Does the no contact rule really work?

2. How long should I stay away from my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?

3. Can it backfire?

4. Should I wish my ex happy birthday during no contact?

Let’s answer these questions together.

 

1. Does No Contact Always Work To Get Him or Her Back?

Obviously, N.C. cannot work for every situation. You may have heard many success stories but you cannot expect a 100% success rate. There are some relationships that are just too damaged to be saved.

Then there are cases where you are just not compatible with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That is why you broke up in the first place. Sometimes, you are dealing with a stubborn ex. For these situations, no contact doesn’t work.

And if you are trying to get your ex back after a long time, such as a year or longer, then obviously no contact isn’t applicable.

Otherwise, there are many situations where the no contact rule can work really really well. This is what we will discuss in the later part of this article.

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2. How Long Should I Stay Away From Him or Her?

You are probably confused because every website is giving you a different number of days, weeks or months. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I decided to do a quick research and see what are the various numbers that are being given.

Here are what I found:

Obviously, the most common one is the 30 day no contact rule, which is equivalent to 4 weeks or 1 month of no contact.

Then there is the shorter 21 days version.

We also have the 2 months or 60 days version.

Of course, there are many more but I am not going to list them here. Anyway, these are the 3 most popular versions of the NC rule.

So which version should you follow?

Well, there is really no hard and fast rule with regards to the number of days you should go no contact. Every situation is different and you should act according to your situation.

If the breakup is due to something really serious such as you cheating on your ex, then you probably need a longer time for the heat to settle down. In this case, you may want to adopt the 60 days version.

If the breakup is because of a stupid argument or something not that serious, then the 21 days version will be the one for you. In fact, you may not even need 21 days.

For the vast majority of the situations, 30 days of no contact work the best. That is probably why it is the most popular version.

 

3.   Can The No Contact Rule Backfire?

Yes, the no contact rule is a bad idea if you take it too far. For example, some people end up doing 6 months or even 1 year of no contact and are surprised that their ex has moved on and are in a new relationship.

If you have decided to move on and don’t want your ex back anymore, then you are definitely encouraged to stay away from your ex for as long as you want. However, if you still want your ex back, then 6 months is definitely too long.

 

4. Should I Send A Birthday Message To My Ex During NC?

It is not necessary to send a greeting. After all, it is not going to make a big difference with regards to whether you will get him or her back. Some experts will tell you not to send the birthday greetings. Some experts will tell you to do so.

Here is my answer for you. It is up to you. My answer is based on the 80 20 principle. Basically, 20% of the things you do is going to get you 80% of the results when it comes to getting your ex back. The reverse is also true. The other 80% of the things you do is only going to give you 20% result.

Wishing your ex happy birthday belongs to the 80% of insignificant things. So don’t worry too much about it.

However, I would not recommend sending a birthday card or letter, especially if you are using it as an excuse to pour out your feelings. This is going to backfire. If you want, just a text or Facebook message will do.  Don’t overdo it.

 

Why No Contact Is A Good Idea After A Break Up

The “no contact” rule is important for a number of reasons, chief of which is that it is the most effective coping mechanism to help you move on. The “no contact” rule has certainly worked not just for me, but also for a lot of other people. In a nutshell: Without any physical reminders about your ex, you’re able to get over the breakup in a shorter span of time.

However, the “no contact” rule is also a tried-and-tested method if you still harbor feelings for your ex and want to rekindle the relationship. Here’s why it’s important to use the “no contact” rule to get your ex back.

 

It’s All About Self Respect

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, it won’t do you any good to come sniffing around so soon after you’ve just broken up. Doing so will only feed your ex’s ego and make him or her think that you can’t live without him or her — and that’s definitely NOT a good thing.

Take it from me: When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I was the one who initiated contact post-breakup, even if I was the one who broke things off. At that time, I still loved my ex, and I wanted him back. But by not following the “no contact” rule, my plan to win my ex back backfired.

And that’s when I realized that hounding, pestering, and stalking my ex only pushed him farther away from me, instead of giving me the result that I wanted. I was sending him mixed signals, after all — I was the one who wanted to break up, so why was I suddenly chasing after him again?

So, lesson learned: If you want to win back your ex, reinforce the “no contact” rule. By doing so, you’re showing that you’re able to live a life that doesn’t include your ex. And sooner or later, your ex is bound to hear news about you, and how you’re thriving in your new found single status — which will definitely lead him or her to missing you.

 

Listen Up, Ladies (Men Should Take Note Too!)

Generally, women are more prone to NOT adhering to the “no contact” rule compared to men. So ladies, man up and put some steel in your spine, and listen to this story about how abiding that rule helped Shannon win her ex back.

“I admit that following the ‘no contact’ rule wasn’t easy. I was so tempted to give up several times, if not for my friends and family, who were so adamant that I dissolve any form of contact with my ex,” she relates.

Shannon admits that her ex always had the “upper” hand in the relationship. “I was the clingy one, the one who was more emotionally invested in the relationship. So when he broke up with me, he was probably expecting me to come crawling back to him. But I didn’t!” she says proudly, beaming. “I did my own stuff. I stayed away. I took up a new hobby, went on a trip, and started working out to keep my mind off him.”

Needless to say, Shannon’s ex was bewildered when he didn’t hear from her. “He was asking people about me, asking what I was up to. No one would tell him. In fact, some of our mutual friends even told him to let it — me — go.

And THAT’S when he realized that he misses me,” she shares. “One day, he just called me up, asking how I was. Our communication became more regular, and then he said he wanted me back.”

The “no contact” interval gave Shannon the confidence and her sense of self that she “lost while I was with him.” She says, “I told him that I needed to think about it. When we met up to talk again, I informed him that I was willing to give our relationship another try, but on one condition: He had to get used to the new, improved me.

I wasn’t going to go back to being the doormat girlfriend he was used to. I was determined that he knew that — that I wasn’t going to be the type of girlfriend he’d allow to hang around him for an ego boost.”

Suffice to say, the “no contact” rule worked in Shannon’s favor in winning her ex back. “We’ve been together for two years since we got back together, and he’s been hinting about getting married. But we’ll see,” she grins.

 

You’ll Gain A New Perspective and Become More Objective

With the “no contact” rule in place, you’re able to see things more clearly, and along the way, you’ll also realize how both of you had messed up your relationship.

Take the case of Audrey and Jordan. Shares Audrey, “We both agreed the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, so we broke up. It was a mutual decision. Even though I was devastated and missed him desperately, my friends and I were determined that I follow the ‘no contact’ rule. It really worked wonders in helping me cope, and during those 30 days, I was able to view our relationship in a new light.”

Adds Jordan, “The ‘no contact’ rule helped both Audrey and me to figure out what went wrong in our relationship. Prior to our breakup, we were fighting all the time. That break gave us breathing room and space to find clarity — and for me, it made me realize that I wanted to give our relationship another try. Luckily, Audrey felt the same.”

So take note: If you want to get your ex back, it’s imperative that you follow the “no contact” rule. Why? Because that interval will help you grow and mature on your own, find your inner strength, and you’ll definitely be a better person once you and your partner decide to go for another romantic round.

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154 thoughts on “Why The No Contact Rule Is So Important After A Breakup

    1. Yes it does. In this situation, no contact is really necessary because you want to give your ex boyfriend some time to cool down. This is because he is probably still mad at you.

  1. My gf and I broke up 5 weeks ago. During those 5 weeks we still contacted each other and saw one another. But not as much as before. We both cheated in this relationship, with mine being 7 months ago. Prior to the breakup, I wrote a flirty comment to a woman and my ex got really upset and broke up with me. In her mind, I was bout to cheat again, which I wasnt. We said our last “goodbyes” a few days. It was very hard for us. Very emotional, we both didnt want to le go. She insisted, “this isnt the end of us” and “This cant be how we end, I just know it” and says she loves me so much and will see me later. Currently, we are on NC. How long should it be? Any chances of us getting back together?

    1. It depends on when both of you are emotionally ready to see each other again. If you are already feeling good and emotionally ready, you can go ahead and contact her. I think your relationship do have a chance. She definitely still has feelings for you. Otherwise, why will she insist, “this isn’t the end of us”?

  2. Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me 10 months ago about and we dated for 6 months beforehand. After the breakup i handled bad,we didn’t speak for a bit and then we did and i did it all throughout the months begging, asking what i did, give me another chance etc. Recently we got into it and she said she was seeing someone. A mutual friend said she doesn’t see that relationship lasting and i believe they started seeing each other just a month or so ago.. about us she was a friends wife who treated her horrible and they were together 10 years when she finally left him. We confessed our feelings and wanted to go slow but we eventually gave in to our feelings. I know her, was there for her kids births, was there in her worst times she said the feelings grew for me when i started standing up for her. 6 months in she said she needed time to divorce and give herself space but after she was distant but social if you get what I’m saying. I started doing no contact after this last argument and she contacted me three days after to see how i was.i said good working allot and that was all. Anyways haven’t said anything since trying no contact but am i wasting my time at this point or because of our past history is there hope or another means to put me back into her thoughts and try again? What can i do I’ve loved her for so long and don’t want to just give up on her she is my light in a dark world

      1. I try not to call her she called the other day to just to talk about selling me some stuff i was gonna buy from her before the no contact and i told her i would call her back. I did this morning and she answered at work and we discussed it but that’s all it was about a week and a half of no contact beforehand but she contacts me

        1. I started no contact 2/3 she asked how i was doing 2/6 then 2/9 she asked could i give her son a ride to school which i replied i wasn’t home then yesterday 2/18 she contacted me about the items she was selling. She owed me money she borrowed and was seeing if i could use that as a form of payment. And then today i called her back to d discuss when I’ll know for sure if i need them but that was my only call to her since 2/3 but it was a text

  3. Hey Sam,

    Let me start by saying that I’ve dated a lot of girls. Not relationships, but dates. I (26 years old) dated this specific girl (22 years old) for about three months (August 2014-November). For the most part, our relationship was awesome. I knew during our first date together, that she was the one I was going to marry. We did a ton of things together. A lot of firsts (ice skating, zip lining, Bucs game, etc.). In late September, I took her v-card. Anyway, she decided to break up with me early in November. I did NC for a week and then, like an idiot, I “liked” her on the dating site POF and she texted me, “Back on POF?” We texted and it went nowhere.

    After a month of no contact, I used your advice to talk to her. She was still on POF and I wrote her a message, just asking for coffee. She was pissed. She told me not to talk to her and that she definitely didn’t want to see me. I told her that I was really sorry and that I just wanted to move forward and talk about positive changes in our lives since we dated, and that all I wanted was 15-20 minutes of her time. Surprisingly, she then said yes. So, in mid January, we met up and we talked for hours. Then, we made out for hours. We decided that we were going to sleep together the next day and then that was it. Almost like closure, I suppose. Anyway, we did and during the intercourse she told me, “I’ve missed you so much.” After our couple of amazing hours together, I asked her what was next. She told me she couldn’t be with me because her mom didn’t like me and that we would both find better people.
    It’s been over 30 days now, and there’s been no contact and she hasn’t seen me on POF because I have a private profile.

    What do you suggest I do now?

    1. I am sure you have heard of Romeo and Juliet. They wanted to be together even though all the people around them were against their relationship. Why is that so? Because they have a very strong emotional connection with each other.

      I know that is a fairy tale but there is an element of truth in that story. So it is the same for your situation. Your ex says you cannot be together because her mum doesn’t like you. Well, that may be true but it is more of an excuse more than anything.

      The truth is your emotional connection with her is not strong enough that she wants to be with you. So if you want to win her back, you need to work on that. You can consider following the steps here.

  4. Hello I just want to know if I have hope. My gf and I spilt 3 weeks ago. We been together for 2 years and it was the best time of our lives. I’m 20 she’s 21. In my mind and heart she is the one I love and want to spend the remaining time on earth with she is special to me and I’ve been with plenty of girls in my life but not someone like her. She told me that she wanted to be single and that she didn’t love me anymore. I don’t know if she saying it because she is mad now but she is known to try and hide her feelings from me. She acted like it didn’t matter and that she’s over it she is strong headed. I begged and told her what did I do so wrong? I didn’t cheat or abuse her I’m a gentleman but I guess u could say I was jealous and maybe held her back from the world when I shouldn’t of. I just want to know if I don’t contact her is there a chance we can be together I want to marry her someday and be her man again. I just don’t know what’s best action to take right now and just been depressed. Please help

    1. What are you jealous about? You held her back? From what you said, it seems like she decided to breakup with you because you were too clingy to her. Is that right?

  5. My boyfriend and I lived together for for years. I felt as if he was disconnected in the relationship at times. He has no children, i have 2 and he is a mamas boy who never had his own place. I’ve lived on my own for over 20 years. I really believe he is a great guy who has yet to fully grow up and the overall struggles of life and relationships can become to overwhelming to him. My opinion is he loves the problemless stages of relationships. He likes things to be fresh, flirty, and always on point. I believe Any time problems occured he would find a way or reason to invest time into talking to other women to fill the void of the problematic life issues that can occur. He always would talk to other women. Well i often called the women due to me not believing he was only friendly with them because a lot of his conversations were flirtatious. Now the last woman I called I must admit I was fed up. So instead of me just asking what type of relationship they had I begin to tell her alot of things my ex was doing wrong at that time, but also I told her a lot of things in my personal life that made me the woman I am today..My intentions were to push her away praying she saw we were ok some really serious terms..Of course that back fired. Instead since she is super RATCHET she decides to phone him 48 hours after I called her and hit on him. So he instantly dumped me and ran into her arms. She them proceeded to demand he take photos of the two of them amd begin posting on facebook etc. He has been in compliance to her demands. He never had been my facebook friend he has me blocked. Now he is putting up status saying he is glad he ex is doing bad….She has NO pics of him up on her page and no.acknowledgement of him…only he does this for her on his page.. Realistically they are hardly EVER together. They only spend nights together at the hotel and they didn’t spend his bday or vday together. Now one night before he took her to the hotel he called me until 100 am private..I did not answer. That went on for days then stopped. Eventually 2 weeks later the private calls came back through early in the day so I decided to answer to confirm my suspicions that it was him. When answered he asked if he can pick up the rest of his things. Now funny part about that is everything that’s left behind is nothing WORTH picking up except one pair of new shoes…Everything else is cloths and shoes that he would do yard work in. I told him I was working at the moment and once i got off I would only be off for 4 hours before I had to go back in for another 18 hour shift. So we ended the call..He immediately called right back private 5 times. I didn’t answer because I really only wanted to confirm the private calls. Well since I didn’t answer he decided to call me back with his number displaying like a fool I answered and he just wanted to know when can he get his belongings which I OFFERED him to pick up plenty of times before I started my new job..It has been 3 months since the breakup and he works 7 minutes from my home and NOW wants his WORTHLESS BELONGINGS… I really don’t believe he was calling for those items and often wonder WHY would he call in the middle of the night.knowing he was on his way to get her And go to the hotel. I believe he wants more still JUST As much as I want him, but I believe he is worried what others would think of him for going back with me. HE TOLD HIS ENTIRE family what I DID, but he NEVER TOLD ANYONE he had been conversing with this woman for over a year and even went to her bday party one day after he took my son and his friends out for my son’s bday while I attended my mother’s graduation. Now this woman had some nasty things to say about him calling him goofy, lame, and even said she didn’t want him and he needs to get his life together. But 48 hours after my call to her she went after him. She was no where near around when he was jobless and carless, but now he is a manager and I paid for his bankruptcy to begin, helped him get his Liscense back to get the job, supported all his depressed days and helped him go from no car to a used car to a 2013…mind you I drive a 2001…..here goes some slut bucket from the hood 37 years old with 5 kids and a grandchild that he walks away from a suburban lady who left the hood behind to raise children and offer a better life and even bring him from the hood to something better. All jobs he had prior to me was in this community and he lost them all living in the hood with no transportation. I COOK WELL, CLEANED, SUPPORTED HIM to INFINITY.. Ive bought $300 bday gifts and more trying to show my love And appreciation AS MUCH AS HE showed me… Now i have his number I am still practicing no contact. His Facebook page and hers. I have a friend who stalks the page and fill me in. I made her aware I don’t want to hear anymore of there information. I REALLY NEED TO KNOW IF HE IS DONE with me. I HONESTLY BELIEVE THE ONLY REASON HE HASN’T COME BACK BECAUSE HE DON’T WANT TO DISAPPOINT OTHERS like his parents etc. Cause HE TOLD ME HE bad mouthed me terribly and everyone would think he is insane if he came back. IM LOST AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’ve tried dating My career is moving great since my health from an operation 4 months ago has been well. What I do realize it’s the relationship he is in is a front,so I’m not focused on old hoes, but I need to know how to know if he will never return.

    1. Marie, hope you don’t mind me saying this. Do you see a future with him?

      You mentioned that he hasn’t grown up and that he always avoid problems in relationship. How can you ever hope to be in a long term, healthy relationship with such guys?

      May I ask you a question?

      Do you love the current him or do you love his potential?

      Because it seems to me like you are trying to keep him in the relationship, hoping that he will change and grow up eventually.

      Unfortunately, men seldom change unless they really want to.

      Or put it this way. Human beings seldom change unless the situation becomes so painful that they have to change.

      So maybe you want to take some time to think about whether this relationship is even worth saving instead of whether he will never return.

  6. Me and my ex technically broke up almost three years ago. We have a five year old daughter together and through this time apart, we’ve always been cordial and good to each other. A few I love you’s here and there. And yes, some intimacy from time to time. As recent as two weeks ago, while she’s with this other guy…(smh)We’ve both dated and seen other people and it’s been totally cool. We’ve worked together through things, both good and bad, and supported each other as friends. We would have very light talks of reconciliation but nothing ever too serious. She was still free to do her things and so was I. Well almost three weeks ago, I had an epiphany and I tried to reconcile with her. I wrote her a long message about us, our family, and that I believe we could give it another shot and truly be successful. She said she was seeing someone, and maybe if it didn’t work out. I begged and pleaded. Went NC for a few days, then when an interaction came up, begged and pleaded again, she said she wanted it, and then changed her mind an hour later. Saying she was happy and would give this new man a chance. I went NC again, until Yesterday when she came to pick up our daughter, I lost it and begged and pleaded again. She said no, and that if things didn’t work and claimed I had my chances. Neither of us solidly laid it all out until three weeks ago. I put my best foot forward. I sent an apology this morning to try to start a “clean slate” and now I really need to go NC. I know that. I feel foolish. A part of me wants to wait but a part of me wishes I would have never said a word. Look where it got me. I want her back. I want my family to have a chance. What do I do here!? Help! I know we’ve been apart a long time, and when we split it was on mutual terms. I just need to know if there’s a chance? What do you guys think?

    1. As long as she is open to seeing you, you still have a chance.

      You need to take it one step at a time. Don’t talk about getting back together so soon. Build up positive emotions first before talking about getting back together.

  7. Hi Sam,

    My gf of 4 years broke up with me bc she said she needed space and time to find herself and what makes her happy besides me. She said she all her happiness depended on me and that I did not fulfill her needs. She told me plenty of times that she needed more affection from me and I guess looking back I didn’t listen to her and provide her more affection. Well a week went by after that and I caved and texted her that I missed her and she said she missed me too. She even texted me in the am hours and said she drove passed my place to see if I was home. Another week went by and I texted her that I was really trying to give her space but wanted to know that I was thinking about her and hoping she is doing well. Several hours later she responded that she hopes I’m doing well too. I didn’t respond to her text and later one she said she meant it and that shes thinking about me a lot and I said thanks and she then asked how I’m doing. I said good but that I miss her. We ended up texting for an hour or so and I basically told her that I understood the mistakes I made and if she ever wants to work things out to let me know. She responded “how do I know you won’t make those mistakes, I’m not sure I know what mistakes you are talking about”? I told her I made a list and reflected on them and I understood where and what was wrong. She asked me if I could tell her one that I wrote down and I told her a few and she said that she wished I realized these sooner and I said me too. It’s been a week since that conversation and I am trying extremely hard not to contact her with the hopes of me getting her off my mind 24/7 and also the hope that she will come back and trust me with what I said. Just wanted to hear your thoughts, am I a fool for having so much hope? Thank you

    1. No you are not. Your situation is not that bad. You just need a little bit more patience. Don’t be in a hurry to get her back immediately. Getting an ex back is a process. Right now, your next goal is not to get her back. Your next goal is to try to connect with her emotionally. When both of you are ready, you can start asking her out. Slowly, start dating her and show that you have changed. Only until you have build up enough positive emotions with her do you start to talk about getting back together. Now is still too early. Definitely not a good idea to talk about getting back together now.

  8. Hi, me and my ex were together almost 4 years we broke up because we argued a lot I was very insecure and questioned everything he did. I also went out on a date with someone so he broke up with me. For 2 months straight I called and begged for him to take me back. At first he said that he wanted to let hints happen and not force things hen eventually he said he didn’t ever want to be with me again. Now I just found out that he is seeing someone. I am 11 days post no contact…. Will this work. ?

    1. It is probably a rebound relationship. Usually, rebound relationship doesn’t last. So yes, you can use no contact.

      But don’t just do nothing during no contact. Use this period to work on yourself, especially your insecurity. I recommend meditation.

      This is important so that when his rebound relationship ends, at least you can present your best self in front of him. This will give you a much better chance to win him back.

  9. My girlfriend of twelve years (eight living together) broke up with me saying that i was not meeting her emotional needs anymore. I had been laid off my job and was depressed, which most likely caused my emotionally detached behavior. Also, she had wanted to get married and it was wasn’t a priority for me-i felt like we basically were married-i know, my mistake! We have been broken up for five months and i have now implememted the no contact rule (going on day 25). Initially, i made the big mistake of begging and pleading for her to come back-which, as expected, drove her farther away. Well now her friends are telling me she can’t stop looking at my Facebook status at least several times per day and also searching my friends-especially several close female friends. Should i just maintain the NC and do you think she will eventually reach out? BTW-she is 36 and very educated and I am in my 40s. besides my emotional detachment at the end we had a great relationship and never argued and had everything in common.

    1. If you are emotionally ready, you can reach out to her.

      At the same time, concurrently, you want to fix your own problems as well. Be prepared that it is probably going to take some time before you can successfully get back together.

  10. Me and my ex have been together for a year. Two weeks back she broke off with me saying she no longer loves me and we are not compatible. It broke my heart and thus for over a week I plead and beg, we met to talk but she is reluctant to give this relationship a chance. The last conversation this Wednesday, she says she do not want to hear receive any texts from me and we cannot even be friends. She suggest we meet next Saturday to return her stuff at my home. I did not contact her since Wednesday. I do not know what to do..we have a overseas trip in end may and likely to be forfeit too.

    1. She decided to cut off contact because you begged and pleaded too much. So that is simply her reaction to your action.

      Don’t worry too much for now. Maybe it is just temporary. Meanwhile, work on yourself first. For example, you can consider doing 5 to 10 minutes of meditation everyday. This will help to calm you down.

      Contact her again when you are in control of your emotions. Maybe she will be willing to talk to you by then.

  11. Hi, Sam, I could really use your help. I wanna preface this by saying that I’m still in high school and I know that these relationships aren’t really expected to last, but I figured that asking you was worth a shot. I dated a girl for about three to four months. We were crazy about each other, but she seemed a bit more into than I was into her. I really liked her and I still do which is why I’m asking you for help. She was pretty much obsessed with me, she even started crying one day because she thought I was going to break up with her over a misunderstanding we had. On the first week of December she breaks up with me. Even though three days earlier it was my birthday and she sent a super long happy birthday text and was not acting any different through text. She tells me she just wants to be single. She just starts crying in her car one day and I knew what she was going to say but she couldn’t do it. She left and sent me a voice text saying that she wanted to break up with me. Okay I thought. I didn’t think much of it at first. She told me that she really wanted to stay friends and that I was the only Ex she felt like she even wanted to stay in contact with. After the breakup for a full month, all of December, we keep taking. Nonstop. She calls me every night and I answer and we talk till two or three in the morning. Well suddenly in mid january she stops talking to me as much. I didn’t think much of it at first. About a week after she stopped taking to me she calls me but hangs up before I pick up and texts me saying it was an “accident”. A week later the same thing happens. The next day she texts me saying she isn’t mad at me or anything but just hasn’t felt like talking to me. I respond the next day and just said its fine. She replies and we have a conversation until she falls asleep. I try texting her the next day and no response. A week later she texts me and we talk for a few hours until she falls asleep again. I want to note that when she did text me those two times she would respond very fast. Immediately. I try texting her again and once again no response. Tried again the next day and she replied but she was on a road trip so when she stopped responding I wasn’t surprised. The next day she removed me from most social media. The following Saturday was Valentine’s Day and I texted her at night after I got home from work “Happy Valentine’s Day” she responded in the morning “Happy Valentine’s Day to you too!:D sorry I didn’t respond last night I was busy” I called her on facetime later that night and she was almost completely normal. She seemed like she was trying to make me jealous by talking about dating a mutual gay friend if he were straight and some other random guy. The following Friday I went over to her and before lunch and asked if she wanted to get food and she said sure. She didn’t get any food and was completely quiet the whole time. After I finished a very awkward meal we got back into my car and I poured out my feelings for her. (Huge mistake, I know) I eventually started to cry, looked away, but looked back and she was smiling and leaning closer to me. It might sound nieve but it wasn’t a bad smile. I feel like it communicated “He still cares about me” because she immediately turned away when I saw her and stopped. She was very serious the rest of the conversation and she said Her feelings for me were not mutual and that she broke up with me because she lost interest. I feel like everything she said to me that day was a huge lie because her body language and actual spoken language were…off. I drove her back to school. And we had class. After school I get a call from a mutual friend telling me that she told her entire class about the whole car ride and made me seem really desperate. I haven’t talked to my ex since that day. It’s been six weeks since I initiated no contact. I still like her and miss Her but I’m in control of my emotions now rather than having them control me. If you could give me any advice to my situation I would highly appreciate it. I’ve analyzed the relationship and feel like know what I should do different. I just don’t know when or how to approach her in person since she is always with friends and I would rather not start talking to her again by texting her. Anyways, I would really appreciate your input. Thank you so much!

    1. I think at this point, don’t try to get back together with her. What I mean is, don’t straight away try to jump back into a relationship.

      Getting your ex back has several stages. So take it one stage at a time. It is just like you don’t get married immediately. You date for a few years first before deciding whether to marry each other.

      So same thing here. Try to slowly get back into regular contact with her first. Since she is willing to text with you, then continue texting. Gradually increase the frequency and when the time is right, ask her out for a cup of tea.

      Then gradually proceed to going out together. Basically, start dating all over again. Also, do take note that not everything is going to go as you want.

      So be prepared to take rejection from time to time and try to be cool about it.

  12. I begged and pleaded with my bf when he broke up with me. It took me completely off-guard. I mean we made plans and he said I love you the previous day we had a small argument two days before but he assured me that he loved me and wanted a future! So…When he broke up with me I was DEVASTATED and begged and pleaded not to break up with me. Long story short it was a nasty breakup.It has been three weeks now and no contact. I do not know if I want him back. Actually part of me wants him back. I wonder if the NC rule will make him at least miss me. All I know is begging and pleading is never a good thing and boy am I glad that I have not contacted him since.

    1. It may or may not make him miss you. It is hard to say. Everyone is different.

      However, since you have no control over him, try not to worry too much about it. You can only control yourself. So I suggest that you make good use of this no contact period to work on yourself.

      Try to work on your inside. One good exercise you can try is mediation. It will really help to calm you down.

  13. Hi Sam,

    I could use your advice atm as you seem very on the mark with all the previous responses.

    2 weeks ago I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me for about 2 weeks and I broke up with her and told her she needed to really understand what she had done and what she wants in life. She is definitely not a serial cheater and it is just so unlike her character me and family and friends are still shocked. her previous boyfriend actually caused her so much pain when he cheated on her.

    It has been 2 weeks of NC and all of her stuff that she’s left in my apartment is at her friends place but she still hasn’t picked it up and is being very distant with the people closest to her (parents, close friends). I felt like this could be possibly overwhelming guilt that has caused her to be distant and by not picking up her things she is scared to face the reality?

    I still love her very much but obviously do not stand for such a disrespectful act. I want us to work and understand that we cannot get back to where we were but would have to build the trust and relationship into something new. I am just worried that she may feel like she could not face me/contact me because she is feeling so guilty and relapsing she has done what she has always been so against.

    Currently I am keeping busy, training , being with friends and family and trying to push on however I find myself looking her up or her friends on social media to just see what is going on. I know this is bad but feel I just need some solid advice to keep me grounded.

    Thanks for your advice , I’m sure everyone else and I are more than just thankful for your help.

    T

    1. I think you should probably hold back that conversation first. I know it definitely doesn’t feel good to be cheated on. But at this moment, it seems like she is feeling worse than you.

      If you actually bring out that conversation on your first meeting with her, she will probably withdraw from you, unless she is the one who talk about it first.

      So right now, you should first make peace with yourself. Be willing to forgive. Then when you are ready, reach out to her gradually and slowly start dating her again and build emotional connection.

      It is also a good idea to take the time and reflect on whether you have contributed to this breakup. If no, that’s fine. If yes, then be willing to work on it and admit your mistakes.

      I suggest not getting back together immediately. Instead, start dating each other again and get to know each other one more time. This allows time for both of you to change the relationship dynamics so that the relationship can last.

      1. Hi Sam,

        It has been about 5 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks since i wrote on this website and this time has been unbelievable valuable for me. I have spent alot of time with family and friends who have given me so much support.

        Through this time i received a msg from her mum stating she had called her the day after the break up and simply admitted to her that she had been unfaithful to me and that she was very upset and distraught with herself. I was quite surprised that she had been able to just tell her mum as i feel most people who would not feel remorse or have been serial cheaters would be able to just lie and never let their parents know.

        Regardless, i feel like i have grown and really thought about how I feel. In this time i have realised that we did have issues before of me being jealous at times and not trusting and her feeling guilty about hings she had not done. I feel this definitely contributed to the situation and unfortunately led to the betrayal. However I am willing to re-iterate that point to her as i know it was one of my biggest flaws.

        I do feel like this time has made me realise that I feel like i can forgive her, but I will need to know she is sincere and has learnt and really wants to be committed to me. I feel like within the next week i will be able to reach out to her as i still feel she is mortified and has no idea how to deal with trying to make contact with me as she still has apparently been very distant with close friends and family even her younger brother who is 12.

        I have been nervous about making contact but i feel in my heart and soul that a msg to her just to let her know that I feel ready to talk and have been thinkin about how she is doing will let her really understand that It is ok to contact me . I guess naturally I am scared she will reject that msg and not reply however I do feel its what she needs, but also what i want to give her because I still feel so much love for her after this time apart.

        I do believe you are right about that first conversation and I have been pondering hard about how and what ? that first meeting will be like but I definitely dont want to scare her away I just want to show her that I still care and that I understand she may need that contact to properly reflect and gather her thoughts.

        your advice has definitely helped me and I am grateful for it. please let me know how you feel about my situation at this point in time as any advice would be so helpful for me.

        T

        1. Hi Sam

          I have made contact with her at about 5-6 weeks NC . Just a simple message to let her know I was ready and that I was thinking about how she was. she replied 3 days later with quite an honest msg saying thankyou for letting her know but that she felt she needed mkre time as she was not ready to face this with a clear mind. She then wrote second msg straight after saying she is so sorry because she doesn’t want to seem dismissive but knows that we will eventually need to have a talk. I replied with a msg letting her know that I did want her to have a clear mind and that she needed to know when she was ready that she could contact me and that I would be waiting for her. I also told her that I hoped the time was good for her to gather her thoughts .

          I am glad she has contacted me but just wanted to know how you felt about this response from her , I know she doesn’t use facebook much and maybe this has no relevance but she has not changed the relationship status and we are still in her profile picture together. I just felt like if it was all done and dusted that would have changed as well.

          In anycase I would really appreciate some advice and help atm as I am understanding of her needing to heal more but hope that it is not for really long .

          I felt like that msg reaching out to her I guess allowed her to realise that I have not completely just cut her out of my life and still do care for her .

          Thanks again Sam

  14. Hey guys,

    How is everyone doing with their break ups?
    Me and my ex had a mutual break up last week. She insisted on staying friends and that I am her best buddy. I told her I cannot promise her to become just friends after being together with her for 3 years. She understood and hoped we could get along later in the future as buddies. We lived together for 2 1/2 years and 2 months ago she wanted to leave and have her own place in another city (where she studies) and end the relationship with me. I was devastated and showed her my emotions and she also became very emotional. She suggested that we could keep on trying but that she would return to her mother’s place anyway for the time being. I agreed and was relieved. But alas, nothing really changed. I gave her affection but she remained cold! She didn’t wanna hug, kiss or touch me. After a while I was done with her cold attitude. So I confronted her and told her it is best that we break up for real. She wasn’t sure what she wanted and asked me if this is what I wanted. I wanted a relationship with her but not like this. She agreed that she was being cold lately and told me that she doesn’t have strong feelings anymore for me. So this was the best thing to do. It sucks balls but I have to move on.

  15. Hi Sam,
    i just wondering if this no contact process really work out in any situation? i had a boyfriend for 7yrs and i caught him cheating on me thru facebook and he wants to get back with his ex, before i came here in doha qatar last month i have a feeling that he will spiel it out those words that i am scared to hear..he just wait for me to fly in here and then boom after a week staying here in doha he jsut said that he never loved me like the way he loves his ex before my heart fall into pieces coz it takes 7yrs before he only realized that im not that one he was looking for? i felt so devastating weak and really i dont know what to think what to do. is’t possible that he gain that love for a long time (10yrs)to his ex? and 7yrs together took only 7 days for him to forget me? after what i heard and what he says i ask not to do that i love him so much, i begged and cry out loud not to broke up with me. but still he made up his mind and said to me allow me to be with the woman i want to live for the rest of my life and try to be happy in my decision. i keep asking my self what went wrong? and i decided to block him in all my pages and not to contact him as long as i can. but somehow i wonder does he still missis me? does he check me on facebook? or ask our friends how em i? it so hurtful that i stuck in here while he and the girl are so happy cuddling each other having fun. it kills me with in. its like a knife strike in my chest, my brain really kills me hoping that i should be in his arms. but how i supposed to do that were in different country. i hope this no contact rules really RULES. i hope sam that i can get a piece of advice what to do next in this process? what if a year or more did not really contact me at all at im just waiting for him to do the action when is the perfect timing to move on?

    1. I don’t think you want to do no contact for a year. Put it this way, for your situation, the odds are really against you. First, it is long distance. Second, it seems like he has already decided to breakup long ago.

      If after 60 days of no contact and he is still not contacting you, then it is probably time for you to move on.

  16. My ex .broke up with me,because he thinks that the things don’t work between us.I pushed him all the time during our relationship and he often told me that he needed some space,that i tried to control him…I felt myself unhappy because he didn’t show me his love.He also was unhappy because I was.Does the “no contact rule “work in that situation?

    1. No contact is not going to be a miracle pill. It all depends on what you do during no contact.

      I will suggest that you work on yourself, focusing on the inside. Do meditation daily, for at least 5 to 10 minutes. Reflect on how you contributed to the breakup and see what lessons you can learn.

      When you are emotionally ready, you can start reaching out to him again.

  17. Me and my wife have split up she woke up one morning and said she has hit a brick wall and she don’t want it anymore she carnt give me a good reason she isn’t seeing anyone neither am I. She don’t want me to touch her kiss her hug her speak to her it’s like she’s a different person we have been married 7yrs together 9. We have 5yr old daughter this one night we both had a argument then both went out then she came in and started on me because I had locked the front door but the way she was she wasn’t my wife so we had a big fight just pushing and shoveing then i rang my brother to fetch me which he did then I got arrested Abh and criminal damage but she has a friend who is a wpc so I’m now on bail carnt talk to her ring her go on the street not seen my daughter for 4 weeks and it’s all killing me I’m now on anti depressants just want my family back. I’m doing well not text rung or gone to the street. Just hope she comes round.

    1. Hi Mark,

      It must not be easy for you. But don’t give up. I am sure there are still things you can do.

      Were you having ongoing problems before that incident, such as frequent arguments etc?

      It is extremely unlikely that she just wake up one day and suddenly decided she want out. Most likely, she has been thinking about it for a long time and finally decided to announce her intention.

  18. Alright so my ex girlfriend broke up with me last week. I started NC immediately. We still follow each other on twitter and FB and she was dropping hints liking my photo, and tweeting stuff. Which I never responded to. One night she txted me 6 times in a row (while drunk) saying “i miss you” “sorry” “I’m a whitle drunk” “Prob shouldn’t say that” “I’m sorry” “bye.” I didn’t respond that night but in the morning I did Me-“Are you okay?”Her-“Yeah I’m okay Sorry I was just a little drunk last night”Her-“Thanks for asking though” Me-“No problem”Her-“How have you been?”Me-“busy you” her–“same. just workin all the time now”Me-“I see youve been thinkin about me lately weirdo lol” her–“Why do you think that? lol” her-“oh cause of my text last night? My bad” Me-“Yeah you were bein weird lol and cuz I just know” her-“Well I was drunk.And don’t act like you haven’t been thinkin about me lol” her-“anyways, sorry bout that I’ll ttyl” me-“eh maybe just a little but alright cya” then I said me-“alex that was stupid of me to say and it’s not how I feel. If you miss me its cool, you don’t need to hide it of feel bad about it.” her-“idk what to say to that.. :/” her-“I do feel bad for saying it bc I shouldn’t. We said our goodbye and that’s how it should be right now” me-“I just wanted to apologize for being sarcastic is all.” her–“that’s okay I wasn’t offended Take care.” I didn’t respond after that. Did she want me to take things and move forward? Did I ruin my NC rule and how bad? She continues to like statuses on FB.

    1. Well, at the end of the day, it depends on whether you are emotionally ready to face her. Don’t over think what she says through text messages.

      If you think you are emotionally ready, then see whether she is open to meeting you for a cup of coffee. You will know better where you stand through face to face interaction than text messages.

      Using text messages, you can only see her words. You cannot hear her and see her.

  19. Guilty Confusion over NC,
    I broke up with my boyfriend. I love him very, very much, but he won’t move the relationship forward in any small way and if there are no small steps forward, there will be no big steps. So after a year and a half of no vacations, no drawer in his home, no keys, no consecutive day hang outs , no family introductions, no holidays together, etc, I said I wanted more, and I knew he could not provide that, so I had to move on with my life and find a man who wanted me completely.
    The guilty part comes in over this: He is very much “IN LOVE” with me. I know this. I know he keeps me at arms length because he cannot “figure out” a way to incorporate me into his life. He is going through a very strenuous time with his children. I told him I was in no hurry to “be part of the family”, but I can see he is in no hurry to let me be a part of his life either. Just regular steps every couple takes that solidifies their relationship….
    He texts me every day. I feel bad enacting the NC rule. Should I still? I left him. I want him back, but not if I remain a guest in his home (his children do not live with him, but they will in about 6 months). It seems cruel to be the dumper and the NC enact-er. If I don’t answer him he says “What you can’t even say good morning to me?” and then I feel terrible, because I’m not mad at him, he didn’t do anything wrong, I’m not trying to make him feel bad or punish hum….we just want different things out of the relationship. IS NC STILL EFFECTIVE HERE or just cruel?

    1. Hi Renee,

      I don’t see why you need to feel guilty.

      You really need to learn to see things as it is. He is just not that into you.

      A man who is really into you will not string you along for one and a half year of no vacations, no drawer in his home, no keys, no consecutive day hang outs, no family introductions, no holidays together.

      Seriously, so many red flags and you are ignoring them?

      You wasted one and a half year with him. How many more years do you want to waste?

      Just cut him off. Don’t feel guilty. In fact, be proud of it. You deserve a man who will have a vacation with you, drawers in his home, keys, want to date you not just hang out everyday, can’t wait to introduce you to his friends and family, love going on holidays with you.

      Time for you to wake up.

  20. dude and I became friends on fb. We would talk about anything and everything. Our families are friends from ages ago, anyways. He moved to my stare a couple years ago, nothing happened. We’d talk on and off For about a year. on Halloween we hung out, started talking. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. But he insisted. We started doing things together and eventually he asked me to be his gf and I said yes. We had a few hiccups but made it a couple months and then he needed a break. That lasted about 2 weeks. During that time we still talked, and saw each other. Til I told him I couldn’t be his friend like that. I had too many feelings involved. Then I think in a moment of desperation he told me he was just scared and he realized that he loves me. Little did I know, during this break he hooked up with a girl from work. He still kept in touch with her and saw her everyday. That bothered me . We got into an argument, and I found out there was still something going on. I walked out. He came back to me a day later. Told her they couldn’t talk anymore and that was that.
    Well a couple weeks ago he stared acting more distant, and deleting txt messages. When I brought it up he said I was being dumb. That I was the girl he spends all his time with, he’d spend time with me and my kids. We’d go on little trips together. AND while he was with me he was never on his phone. Anyways, we came back from one of those mini trips, I thought everything was fine. Then he tells me that people have been telling him that I don’t look happy in pictures and that I don’t smile enough. I let it go. But the next day he text me that people were right. And he ignored me all day. When I reached out to him that night he told me that I smothered him and that I did not make him happy. I went to his place the next day to talk and he wasn’t having it. I ended up with his phone and saw that he’d still been talking to that girl, as if nothing had happened .telling her she makes him happy. it ended badly. We have talked twice since. but absolutely no txtn and I have been the one to initiate the concersations. I should be mad and just close that door. I need to do this no contact thing. But keep making excuses. He told me he still likes me and my kids. It’s just killing me that it seems to be so easy for him to cut me off, act like I never even mattered. And here I am. Not being able to let it go.

    1. I am going thru a similar situation (last post :)). I do not understand how can they have “feelings” for different people and leading them all on until they choose what’s convenient for them but do not want to close any doors either. It suck because we would still have them back if they come around :(

      1. Since both of you, Gina and Jenn are in similar situation, I will answer both questions together.

        Learn to see yourself as a valuable woman. Set a minimum standard for yourself. Take no nonsense.

        If a man is really into you, he will not be fooling around with other women. The fact that he is fooling around with other women simply means he is not that into you.

        As simple as that. Men are not that complicated. It is just that women tend to over complicate things, trying to find too many excuses for these men.

        Just walk away and if he contacts you, just ignore him.

  21. Hey Sam
    So I was dating this girl I met for about 5 months and about 3 weeks ago she broke it off with me stating at first that she thought we were at different places and she didn’t like herself. Now before we’ve had the same discussion and I told her that I was going to be by her side no matter what. after that first discussion I always tried to make her feel beautiful and special by doing little things like sending her good morning text or commenting on her awesome she is or how beautiful she is. Anyways, so after the break up I walked home and when I got there I texted her letting her know how I felt and after a brief back and forth she said that she ” just needed some time”. So since then she’s texted me happy birthday, and I’ve mistakenly reached out to her twice. I’m just looking for some guidance cause I do love the girl and I think I tried to push her into putting a title on us (being boyfriend and girlfriend) that she wasnt ready for yet. I miss her a lot and I wanted to know if there’s anything that I can do to get her back

    1. It seems like she weren’t that into you. What were the nature of your relationship like during the first 5 months. Are you the one doing almost all the work, giving, giving and giving but hardly receiving anything back in return?

      Not that this relationship is impossible. Guys should usually be the one who do the chasing. So if she is not that into you yet, you just have to be patient and persistent. But don’t push too hard or else you may push her away.

      Since she said she needed time, then just give her time. Meanwhile, use this time to work on yourself. Then reach out to her again with your better self.

  22. Hi Sam

    my ex gf cheted me with someone else 2 months ago i was too hurt i did no contact rule for 2 weeks she told “i hope to see you one day” next day she told me “bad things i was too upset i threnrend her with her nudes” i did the no contact again i talk to her after two weeks she told things with her bf not good and want to meet up when everything works out for us next day she said we can’t back together because she is not attractive to me and scared from me and to don’t text her until fall ‘october its long time’
    i saw her profile and her bf they deleted pictures of them and the pictures in his profile she sent them to me they belong to me

    i love her man for all my heart

    1. You probably want to stay no contact for a while to allow the heat to settle down. I think both of you are still very emotional.

      Contacting each other when both of you are still very emotional is a recipe for disaster. So it is good to stay no contact for at least 30 days.

      You probably don’t have to wait till October before you can contact her. You can probably contact her earlier. After all, when she said that, she was just angry. So don’t take the “October” thing too seriously.

      By July or maybe even June, she will probably have calm down already and if you are emotionally ready by that time, you can try to contact her again.

  23. What can you do if you have broken the NC rule once a week over the 5 weeks since the break up. Is it too late for you as the dumpee to go into NC now?

    1. No it is not too late.

      The important thing is not the NC rule. What is more important is what you do during NC.

      If you just sit there and do nothing during NC, you can stick to the rule perfectly and still not be able to get your ex back.

      You are supposed to work on yourself during this period, do some reflection and healing.

  24. Hi Sam,

    My ex and I had a tumultuous break up. We were together for 3 years and 3 months. Career and financial struggle was something he had constantly worked on. We had broken up first due to him cheating on me: One time physical and a week duration of emotional contact through text before the physical contact happened. He confessed to me the night I had came back from a spa two days after them sleeping together had happened. This was Feb 28th. We lived together at the same, but after this incident he had moved out his belongings a month after in March… He no long spoke to her, blocked her number and email, and as we were slowly working on us, I was open in letting him know that it would take time, and I just wanted us to work on the ‘best friends’ aspect of us. Initially he was discouraged about that, but I wanted him to work for it and build understanding. From the beginning of March-beginning of April, he would fluctuate between leaving me voicemails of how much he had loved me very very much, to, not really responsive through texts, and when he did, they would be distant and cold, or asked me to not mention the past memories (even though they were good) because he had been emotionally struggling on receiving closure from his mom for years now, and now after the cheating, he felt horrible and angry at himself, leading into emotional withdrawal. They were hot/cold within 3-4 days of fluctuation. Not too far into April, on the 12th (a month before his birthday), he comes to my apartment (our old living space) to tell me that he can tell how much he has hurt me, and how we can’t be friends… how he knows how we are two different people. He owes me money, so he said we will contact via email for business reasons and won’t be ready until end of June. I was fine with that because texting/calling to me was considered as too direct contact and was more tempting/quick to look/open. I was heartbroken, expressed sorrow, but did not beg for him to work on it. I wrote him an email telling him that I would be willing to wait (big mistake I know), and I forgave him.
    4 days later, April 16th, he not only removed me as a friend, but he had blocked me from his Facebook. It turns out that he had just gotten into a Relationship with another girl. This girl is nothing like me for the most part. Devastated, I texted him (sigh, I know) very briefly, “Words cannot describe how shattered I’m feeling right now… why couldn’t you be honest with me?” “You move on fast.” “She’s pretty. Please treat her well and be happy.” Shortly after, we exchanged banking info for money transfer later, and left it at that. We haven’t talked, emailed or texted since April 19th. On April 27th, he emailed me (on the night of his day off) asking if I had trouble getting tires through his connection (this was discussed prior to us no longer talking/breaking up). I didn’t respond. He posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend on his facebook (yes, I’m still blocked), though not very many and their wall posts seem limited, and last night he had just introduced her to his friends. I am torn knowing that he had “moved on” so quickly. What should I do, and I am not sure as to how long my No Contact stage should be after everything. His birthday is on the 12th of this month, but because of No Contact and the fact that he has a girlfriend, I don’t want to give any notion of anything.
    Thanks for your time.

    1. Most probably, he hasn’t really moved on. It is just a rebound relationship. He is just trying to use that rebound relationship to fill the emptiness in his heart.

      One sign of a rebound relationship is that it is progressing at a very fast pace. For example, did he introduce you to his friends soon after he started dating you?

      If he didn’t but he is introducing this new girl so soon to his friends, then chances are he is simply using this relationship as a way to fill the void.

      Give yourself time to heal and work on yourself. Only reach out to him when you are no longer that emotional about it.

      There is no fixed timing for no contact. It depends on when you feel ready to reach out to your ex. It is about your readiness. Not about the timing.

      Don’t worry too much about the birthday. It is irrelevant. Whether you send a greeting or not is not going to make a big difference in your chances of getting him back.

  25. I was in a LDR for almost 2 years. He ended things 2 weeks ago claiming he was tired of a lot of things in the relationship, now I believe it was only an excuse because he is already dating someone else and being very open and public about in social media which broke my heart. At first, I was the one initiating contact and trying to work things out, we have been friends for over 6 years. We have been thru a lot and of course I care about him deeply. He is being really careless and cold about it and he seems happy in his new relationship. I started NC a couple of days ago and it has been really hard for me. I do want to keep him in my life but I am not sure anymore if he wants me in his. I am afraid things get serious with his new gf and he removes me completely from his life like I never existed. What can I do?

    1. Well, most people won’t go out and start a new relationship if they are truly happy in their current relationship.

      So I will suggest that you don’t just simply dismiss what he told you. Maybe what he said does have an element of truth. And that is he is indeed tired of certain things in the relationship.

      Therefore, you may want to spend some time for reflection. What causes your relationship to reach this stage.

      Is it because both of you started to take each other for granted? Is it because both of you stop trying to understand each other? Did you do certain things to push him away due to factors like insecurity, poor communication, frequent argument etc?

      After all, if you really want your ex back, you need to work on the root of the problem.

      Don’t worry too much about his new relationship for now. You can’t do anything about it anyway. There is also this possibility that it is a rebound relationship. If that is the case, then maybe the relationship won’t last.

      Just focus on what you can control. As I mentioned, do a bit of self reflection. If you want to get him to open up to you, he needs to feel understood by you. If you don’t even know what went wrong in the first place, how are you going to make him feel understood?

      Don’t worry about him removing you from his life completely. Unless you pushed too hard, that is probably not going to happen.

  26. Hi Sam,

    i was in a relationship with my colleague, we work in the same team. we have spent almost an year. daily we used to meet up.it was fabulous. We were almost more than Boy Friend and Girl friend but Relationship is labelled as Best friends only.
    suddenly her ex (Broke up 15 days before we met) came into picture and she lost the essence of love that she had towards me.
    Thats really Hurts, she wants me as a F.R.I.E.N.D.

    Kindly suggest on this.

    1. It seems like you are her rebound relationship.

      That is probably why even though you were together for one year, the label is still “best friends”.

      It seems like her feelings for her ex is stronger.

      Or to put in more bluntly, she has romantic feelings for her ex. But she probably regard you more as a friend.

      With that said, it doesn’t mean you have totally no chance. Just that the situation is not in your favor.

      You need to look at her relationship with her ex. If her ex is not the right guy for her, even if they got back together, they will probably breakup again soon. If that is the case, you have a chance.

  27. Hi! Me and my ex broke up 3 days ago. It was mutual so it’s ok. We did want to be with each other but we couldn’t because of the fights. We said that maybe we will find each other again later but this was the best thing for now.

    We both likes tattoos. I uploaded a pic on Instagram and wrote I was going to do another tattoo tomorrow! He saw that, he wrote right now!

    He asked me how i was doing and what tattoo I was gonna get.
    Should I stick to No Contact rule or should I answer? Thank you!

    1. You said the breakup was mutual. So technically speaking, both of you are friends. As friends, it is probably rude to just ignore him. Just answer him. I don’t see anything wrong with replying.

  28. My bf broke up with me just some days ago. I love him so much. I want him back in my life. We were in a relationship more than 1 year. Before that, we were friends. We are in contact. Now, he just wants to be friends but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. What should I do? How can I get him back?

    1. You may want to take some time to think about why the breakup happen in the first place.

      If there are things you can work on and improve, you should definitely do so. When he can see the positive changes, he may consider getting back together with you again.

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