How to Get your Ex Back: 8 Simple Tips

Do you yearn to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back after breaking up? After doing a little soul searching and spending time apart, you finally realized that the one you were with was the love of your life. No need to beat yourself up about it because these things happen more often than you think.

I’ve seen many people break up and try to move on, only to realize that they made a huge mistake letting go of the person they were already with. It’s a sad reality that a lot of us are unfortunately too familiar with.

Trying to get back with an ex can be very tricky. Wouldn’t it be nice if you can win your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back without doing anything? But it’s never too late to try to rekindle the love that you once shared.

It’s just a matter of making the right moves at the right time so fight the urge to plan any of your elaborate schemes. If you’re serious about giving love a second chance with an ex, here are 8 tips that could help you out.


Does The No Contact Rule Work?

Alright, before we even talk about the 8 tips, I would like to address a frequently asked question, “Does the no contact rule work?” You can read that article for the answer. With that said, let’s move on to the 8 tips.


1. Pace Yourself

Whether you have just broken up or you are trying to get your ex back after a year, you need to pace yourself so that you won’t push them away.

You don’t want to come off too eager in winning back your ex as much as you want to do so quickly. After all, you want to get your ex back without looking desperate, begging and being needy.

You don’t want to end up losing your dignity. Take it slow and let the process run its own course. Try not to be pushy, especially if you were the one who ended things. Just because you have history there doesn’t give you a right to rush getting back together.

Sharing a past actually puts you at a disadvantage because you’ll need to deal with unresolved issues. You should take time to reassess who you are so that you know how you can improve yourself this time around. Also, do not engage in mind games.

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2. Start With a Text or PM

Once you’re in the right perspective, you can start reconnecting. I recommend starting small like sending a text or a PM on Facebook. This gives you the perfect opportunity to see if your ex is willing to reconnect with you again without the pressure of a phone call or a meet up.

Keep the message short and sincere. Maybe ask about how they’re doing. If you’re lucky, your ex will respond back and you can start communicating again. I know it can be daunting to be the one to try to establish the first contact, but remember to keep your spirits high. After all, if you want your ex back more than they want you back, you have no choice but to be the one who gets the ball rolling.


3. Open Up Communication

Once you’ve made your move, it’s time to slowly open up the communication lines again. Try not to overwhelm your ex with information overload at this point. Send casual messages every once in a while, but don’t do it every day. Again, you don’t want to come off as overeager, or worse, desperate.

Think of it as starting with a clean slate. You’re just getting to know the person again so keep it casual. Don’t even mention about getting back together again without as much as a good catch-up. Let your ex come around at his or her own time.


4. Make Your Intentions Known Subtly

Once you do get to talking regularly, don’t propose getting back together off the bat. I know you want your ex back now. But there’s a higher risk that you might only scare the ex away. Try to get comfortable with each other again before you start any serious talks.

You can make your intentions felt in a way without having to say out loud what you really want. For example, you can flirt with your ex if the situation feels right. This can create a little bit of sexual tension. After all, you don’t want to fall into the friend zone. The important thing is that you keep the conversation light especially if you’ve just started to catch up.


5. Apologize

Usually, it is not a good idea to apologize just after breaking up. This is because an apology is going to stir up negative feelings. The only exception is when you have done something very wrong. For example, if you insulted him or her while arguing, then it is appropriate to apologize for that.

Of course, once you started rekindling the positive feelings in your ex, make sure that you find the opportunity to have a sincere talk. No one is perfect so it shouldn’t matter to the both of you who broke up with whom. If you have anything that you need to apologize for, this is the perfect time to own up.

Don’t let your pride hold you back and keep you bitter. By acknowledging your shortcomings, you’ll be ready to open up a new chapter in your lives. You’ll both be able to move on from the hurt and focus on the good things that are coming your way. Trust me, once you apologize, the next steps will be easier.


6. Start a Friendship

The great thing about getting back with an ex is that it gives you a second chance to start a friendship with someone you consider to be very special in your life. Don’t look at this as continuing a broken love affair. Instead, look at it as an opportunity to start something new.

And the best way to start a love affair is to start a friendship. The best romantic relationships are those that began in friendships. Don’t dwell too much on labels and put pressure on becoming a couple instantly. Just have fun with the new found friendship and enjoy each other’s company.

When you have a strong friendship with your partner, the relationship will be able to stand the test of time. After all, you do want your ex back permanently, don’t you? You want to do so without breaking up again and again.


7. Avoid Talking About The Past

Once you become comfortable being with each other again, avoid going down memory lane and hashing out the past unless doing so can help to improve the relationship.

Always remember this. The old relationship is dead the moment you broke up with your ex. So there is no point trying to get the old relationship back. What you want is to start a brand new and better relationship.

It would be better to keep your sights on the future. There’s no way that you can start a new relationship if you’re going to keep on bringing up everything that happened in the past.

And this doesn’t just apply to bad memories; it should also be applied to the happy ones as well. This is your second chance to get things right — don’t mess it up by being a slave to the past.


8. Be Yourself

Last but not the least, always be yourself. No matter how much you’ve messed up in the past, you need to show that you are the better version of that person that your ex fell in love with. There’s no point pretending to be someone you’re not just to win an old love back.

I know you may wish to get back together no matter what but you shouldn’t change yourself completely just to make someone else happy. Of course I would suggest that you change your bad traits, but don’t change your identity.

As much as you think you need your ex in your life, you shouldn’t let someone else’s perception of you take control over you. Always remember that you deserve to love, and be loved, just the way you are.


Are You Willing to Put In Effort to Get Your Ex Back?

If you do, we invite you to sign up for our newsletter below.

Getting your ex back requires real effort on your part. You need to be willing to spend time to work on yourself and develop new skills.

Unfortunately, there are many websites out there are teaching you to play mind games on your ex. If you follow their advice and play mind games on your ex, don’t be surprise when it backfires on you.

Don’t take our words for it. Just google for yourself and you will see how many websites are teaching you reverse psychology and all sort of mind games.

Using reverse psychology to get your ex back is very dangerous.

Even if it works temporarily, your ex is probably going to leave you again because the root cause of the breakup is not addressed in the first place.

If you want to get your ex back in a healthy way, you need to learn a set of new skills so that it will increase your ability to connect with your ex on a deep emotional level.

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58 thoughts on “How to Get your Ex Back: 8 Simple Tips

  1. Hi Sam,

    My girlfriend just broke up with me because I cheated on her. Do you think I still have a chance? I really regretted what I have done. Please advice.

    1. It really depends on your girlfriend. For some women, cheating is a deal breaker. I think you need to give her some time to cool down. Wait for everything to settle down first before you get in touch with her again. She may not want to see you now.

  2. Hi
    My LDR fiancée end up our relationship when his mother died, were in a good relationship, he went from my country a lot of time, we plan many things for our future,
    When his mom died, he stop talking to me, he sent me an email, saying we need to separate our future, and he block me from his social network, From our experience in 3 years relationship I know he really loves me, I saw that in his effort, his mother died 3 months ago, a week ago when his mom died, he changed he said he went offline for a week, then after a week, he sent me a long email, he said he loves me bla bla bla, his mom said to him what relationship we had? False hope or real? He knows to his self our relationship was real, but he handled his mom words false hope, Of course my first reaction was questioning him why? I was begging him to talk to me, I sent him an email every couple of days to let him know I love him and I’m here for him anytime he needs me, but he always ignored me, after 2 months he sent me an email again saying do not wait for him, and he said he will shut down all the contact, it’s very painful for me, he treat me like this, I just want to know if there’s any chance or hope to get him back? Or is he will think of me once he revover for his grief, please help me, I really love him and I want him back. We’re an ideal couple, we have lots in common and we experienced a lot of things, we are very happy before. Please help

    1. There is definitely the possibility that he will reach out to you once he recovers from his grief.

      For now, if he doesn’t want to keep in contact with you, there is really nothing much you can do about it. Just respect his wishes.

      However, that doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do right now. You can always work on yourself and heal during this period.

      You can always work on developing important relationship skills such as communication, conflict resolution etc during this period of time.

      By doing so, you have a higher chance to get back together with him when he is ready to connect with you again in the future.

  3. hi sam,

    my girlfriend broke up with me 15 days back….she loves me still….i know…she says cant continue woth me coz she is not happy anymore….i used to fight alot with her…she cheated me once by flirting wiht some other guy..i forgave but wasnt able to forget and she has lied several times over some stupid stuffs…she changed for me..i want her back now…what should i do?

    1. First, work on yourself. Make sure you are no longer in reaction mode before you approach her again. The key to getting her back is emotional connection. So work on that gradually. All these are discussed in more details in our newsletter. So you can sign up for our newsletter to learn more.

  4. Hi
    So after a really unlucky summer the girl I was seeing and I split up. I was already under a lot of stress and I acted like an idiot. She’s kind of passive aggressive and made a few digs and I said a few rude things but the worst was when I cried a bit in front of her. I’m not a guy who cries but she was crying and freaking out so I just hugged her and maybe 5 tears came out but she threw it in my face later. I left in my car and ended up crashing avoiding a deer. My life kind of fell apart this summer and it happened right in front of her and I’m humiliated. She’s lost respect for me.
    We’ve known each other 10 years and she was my best friend. I tried so hard to fix things and not lose her but since we started dating she’s different. I’ve gone NC and I’m sorting myself out but I’d like another chance someday. How do I know if that’s even possible?

    1. You mentioned you were together for 10 years and were best friends.

      So, it is very unlikely for the breakup to just happen suddenly for no reason. It is extremely unlikely for that crashing to be the cause of your breakup.

      There must be a deeper reason than that. So you need to figure that out first. If you don’t even know what is the root of the problem, how are you going to solve it?

    1. Mistakes made cannot be undone. So don’t worry too much about them now.

      Just focus on what you can do right from now. That is a more constructive way of thinking.

  5. Am in a long distance relation and my ex said we needed to take a break, a week ago and just be friends. We have been dating for 2 years and lately there was alot of arguements. I have already worked out why there are so many arguments, which am working to to fix. But she text me every now and then i dont how to reply to keep a strong conversation going?…

    1. If you are still very emotional and need some time to heal, then just be honest about it and let her know. Tell her that you are happy to hear from her and would love to get in touch with her again in the near future, once you are feeling much better. But for now, you really need some time for yourself to heal and reflect on the relationship. So maybe it is best for both of you to stop contacting each other for the time being.

  6. My gf broke up with me over not getting to spend more time together I want her back can u help to know what to do and say to get her back without looking desperate

    1. Well, there is no magic word or magic action that will help you get your ex back.

      If you continue having this mindset, then no one can help you.

      It is more about focusing on the emotional connection and gaining her trust again.

      You have to learn to look at things from her perspective. Let’s reverse the situation.

      Imagine you were the one who decided to breakup with her because she spend too much time at work and don’t really make an effort to spend time with you.
      Will you take her back immediately simply because she promised you that she will change and start to spend more time with you?

      Probably not. Words don’t mean anything at all especially when the trust is no longer there. You need to demonstrate change with your action in order to gain her trust again and this is going to take time. It takes effort on your part.

  7. Hi Sam,

    My girlfriend broke up with me its been 5 days now. We have been dating sense she was 14 and I was 16. She has just know turned 18 and is in college and so am I. We have been dating for 3 years and 2 and half months. Through the years we have had a really good relationship it was serious and we really wanted to be with each other forever. Of course we had are arguments but nothing too bad. I know that these past 3 months I had taken her for granted thinking she would always be there but was wrong. She told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship that she wanted to take time with herself. But she was still kissin me and hugging me and telling me that she will always love me and I hold a special place in her heart. I realized that right before she done this that I needed to get my act together but I guess was too late. I really love this girl there is something different about her she is the love of my life and I want us to have a better relationship then ever before and I wouldn’t ever take her for granted ever again I really do want to marry this girl and she wanted that too but idk how to get her back with out being clingy and desperate. Obviously she needs her space and so do I to be a better person but I really need help thanks and hope to from u soon.

    1. Give yourself time to heal first. This is because getting your ex back can be very tough. You will face many obstacles along the way.

      You need to have the emotional resiliency to overcome these obstacles. That is why healing yourself is so important. This will also prevent you from acting out of neediness and desperation.

      Next, it is important to work on yourself so that you become a better person. This is because for her to consider getting back together with you, she needs to see that the relationship is going to be better. She needs to see that you have changed and have become a much better person.

      She will be able to tell that you are serious. This gives you a much better chance to win her over.

  8. I wrote my ex a message it said … Hey you, I just wanted to say that I have come to terms with your decision to break up. I know I didn’t seem to before, but now I have realized it may be for the better. I’m sorry for always breaking up when I was just upset, I never really wanted to break up. And I’m sorry for not showing you how much I truly appreciated you. I’m really excited about something that happened this weekend, I’ll have to fill you in sometime. Message me or stop by sometime if you want to talk.
    He message me back not even a minute later replying with just “Oh what happened?” .. What do I do? Do I reply back to him? Wait a while? What do I say? Help!

    1. Actually you shouldn’t have sent him that message. That is just playing mind games on him.

      I believe you were following some “magic letter” you see somewhere because your message looks very familiar to me.

      Next time, don’t use this kind of tactics on your ex. Otherwise, it will backfire on you.

      Anyway, since you can’t undo what you have already done, you just have to go along with it. Hopefully, you do indeed have something exciting going on during the weekend.

      Just tell him about it and see how it goes. Don’t worry too much. Although it wasn’t a good idea to send that “magic letter”, it is probably not going to do a lot of damage. So just relax.

    1. I do not know your situation so can’t really give you a good answer. However, there are definitely people out there who managed to get their ex back even though the situation may seem impossible.

      The fact is, if you don’t even try, you will never know the answer. So if you really want your ex back, make sure you follow a good plan and give it your best shot.

  9. Just can’t understand why my ex girlfriend text me out of blue. We text for about 4 or 5 hours and now she is back to ignoring me again.

    She said there is no new guy, there are a lot damaged between us but none ever cheated at all.

    But she wants to be in each others lives and try friends at first but then she just go avoid me mode for no reason at all.

  10. We been together 7 years. Just my family don’t like her and now my ex is pushing me for it.

    My ex depression and drinking the only two issues I have with her.

    I don’t drink.

    Help Help

  11. So, I was in a pretty heavy relationship for three odd years. We lived together, did everything together. Her brother attacked me and I had to leave, and shortly after this I found out that she’d been cheating on me with her nephew’s step-dad. She moved on, found someone else and that lasted a while. That’s over now, but here’s the kicker – I’ve never stopped loving her. She’s all I think about. I support her financially when she requires it, I always make time for her. We’ve slept together once since splitting (recently). She’s still speaking to other guys and going on dates, and I’m stuck in this rut of despair. I’m taking it slow, and pretty much doing what’s above. I don’t want the old relationship, I’ve fallen for her all over again. The way she makes me smile, the way she acts, her attitude, her smile, her views on life. I really see a future with her. But I’ve been doing this for over a year. I guess the point is… Is it now time to just like… Stop?

    1. I am sorry for what you have been going through.

      It is normal to feel like giving up when you have tried for more than a year without seeing any progress.

      But before you give up, I would like to ask you whether you have been following a proven plan to get your ex back.

      Because it doesn’t matter how long you have tried. If all these while, you are just doing trial and error and making all kinds of mistakes, then obviously you are not going to see any progress.

      I suggest you sign up for our newsletter to learn more tips on how to get your ex back properly.

      Maybe after reading our newsletter for a while, you may discover some of the mistakes you have been making so that you know why you are not seeing progress.

  12. Hi so my boyfriend and I split almost 2 months ago. For the first few weeks, we had quite a bit of contact. I begged and pleaded but he kept saying he had given up and he didn’t feel the same way. He collected his things two weeks ago, saying he couldn’t begin to move on until he had sorted things. We parted on good terms and he said he couldn’t go back to being unhappy. He couldn’t see it working out.

    I contacted him twice since he has my stuff and I want to collect them. Nothing personal has been talked about. He doesn’t want to talk about anything personal. He is calm and distant to speak to.

    I’m not sure what to do. He doesn’t believe in a future together and says he likes me as a person but he doesn’t have the same feeling anymore. What can I do? He is the one. I know it.

    1. Feelings can change over time. He may have lost his feelings for you now but that doesn’t mean he can’t have feelings for you again in the future.

      The important thing is if you want to solve a problem, you need to deal with the root. People don’t just lose feelings for no reason. There must be a reason for the lost of feelings.

      Just to give you an example. Is it because of frequent arguments? If yes, what causes the arguments? What is the root cause? Is it because of your insecurity.

      If you figured out that insecurity is the root cause of the breakup, then you need to work on it. Only when you have truly changed as a person do you try to reach out to him again so that he can see the changes in you.

      So take some time to do a bit of self reflection. What do you think is the root cause of your breakup? Once you figured that out, work on it.

      Don’t just keep on pushing him. It is not going to work. You need to start from yourself.

  13. My ex and I were only together for a short time, but we were very madly in love. After a bad drunken night he broke up with me and blocked me from contacting him in every way possible. About a month after our breakup he contacted me and asked to see me. We spent the whole day together and he apologized and asked me to be with him again. The next day he texted me saying he felt guilty because he slept with someone while we were broken up and that he couldn’t handle the stress of a relationship and knowing he’d been with another person. He has again shut off all communication with me and refuses to be around me. I’m moving next week and fear I’ll lose him forever when I go. Please help me figure out what to do.

    1. How did you react when he told you he slept with someone else?

      Strictly speaking, he didn’t really do anything wrong. After all, if he has broken up with you, he has the freedom to sleep with anyone willing.

      With that said, I think he does feel guilty about what he has done. If you reacted very strongly and negatively, that could have added to his guilt.

      So before you even start trying to get back together with him, you need to ask yourself whether you can really accept the fact that he has slept with someone else.

      You need to really let go of it. Suppressing it is not going to be healthy.

      Once you are truly ready to let go of it, you can start reaching out to him again. You probably won’t lose him forever. After all, in today’s world, there are so many ways you can contact him, whether it is through Skype, text or Facebook.

  14. Hi,

    My ex broke up with me just shy of two weeks ago, but we still share an apartment. I’ve been really working on myself and the things I did wrong (being invalidating and critical, etc.) while being as supportive of them as I can be. I went to my grandmother’s for a few days to give him space and when I came back, they did say that they missed me but that it would be too painful to try to trust me/trust that the changes were real.

    We hung out yesterday and I’m doing my best to be supportive, validating, and friendly — but I’m afraid that he’s going to become too comfortable with being friends. I would rather be friends than nothing but I don’t JUST want to be friends either. What do I do?

    1. It takes time for him to start trusting you. Right now, he may think that you are just changing to get him back and after you get back together, you will revert to your old self.

      So make sure your change is real and lasting. Be consistent in what you say and do.

      Don’t worry about becoming friends. Watch this video to understand why. In fact, since he is willing to hang out with you, you can make use of these meetings to show your ex that you have really changed.

  15. Hi,
    I am doing NC after breaking up with my boyfriend, but today is his birthday; and I’d really like to text him so that he doesn’t feel forgotten. My goal with NC is to see if he’ll finally chase me (which he hasn’t done since the very beginning of our relationship); so part of me feels it’s important to remain NC, while the other are part of me feels guilty for not being there for him. I love him so much, but I’m not 100% sure he can give me what I want (marriage and an adult life together). I’m just really mixed up and vacillate throughout the day between pride/self-respect and guilt/wistfulness. I miss him a lot and am worried that he’ll think I’m a bad person for cutting him off completely and move on.

  16. Boyfriend suddenly broke up with me. We were very happy and affectionate even up until the day he broke up with me. His family confirmed that he’s the kind to bottle things up and now he feels like he’s stuck in the corner. He just started school last week and time has been really tight for him especially with his job (he doesn’t like at all) and hours getting cut because of school. We live together and he ask me to take my stuff and give him time. Then it went to he needs a couple days until the end of the night he came home intoxicated and said that he’s done. He also mentioned that he’s been talking to someone and that it just happened recently. I didn’t contact him until 2 days later and he was still frustrated. I tried to compromise but he persisted and mentioned again that he has feeling for someone else. It’s hard for me to believe this as we’ve been so good. It’s been 5 days now since the break up. And I’ll be picking my stuff up on Saturday while he’s at work as per his request. Is there still chance?

    1. There are a lot of people in very difficult situation getting back together. So I don’t see why you don’t have a chance. What is important is you need to be willing to give it your best shot.

      You don’t have to worry about him developing feelings for someone else. Most likely, it is just a rebound relationship that will fall apart on its own.

  17. Hi,
    My girlfriend broke up with me and wanted me to be a close friend to her because she found it complicated.Despite all,it was her first time been into a real serious relationship and i was her first man to her..but i decided the break up moving on..What should i do? I need help please.

    1. You can implement no contact for the time being. This is good for both of you.

      First, it gives her time to experience what it is like without you. Maybe during this period, she will start to realize that something is missing and begin to think about you again.

      Second, it gives you time to heal. If you are still feeling emotional over the breakup, you may have the tendency to do and say the wrong things. That is why you should heal first before contacting her again.

      As for how long you should implement no contact, there is no fixed timing. It depends on how fast you heal. Most relationship experts recommend 30 days. So that is a pretty good guideline. However, if you are still not feeling better by then, feel free to extend the number of days.

  18. Hi. So, my ex boyfriend and I had broke up for like a month and two weeks ago. I’ve tried the no contact rules during the first week but he suddenly texted me so I responded but fought the urge to continue the conversation since I was still in hurt after he decided to broke up with me because he said he needed some space and privacy. He said it was his karma & I felt so bad that he must’ve been hurting because of me. You see, we’ve started dating last year and it was beautiful but things went rough at first so I kind of decided to take a break with him because I wasn’t ready but I was still in love with him it’s just that I needed my own time. But he kept on texting me and called me… signs showing that he wasn’t over me yet. So I decided to take him back because I still loved him too and I knew it’ll be worth it and I was so happy on that particular day when we both confessed that we still love each other. They said, if someone truly loves you, he will come back to you. I can’t believe I actually trusted those words. I can’t fight the urge to contact him because I’ve miss him so much so I contacted him the next week. He responded too. Then I stopped contacting him but I couldn’t stop on thinking of what he’s up to… :( I don’t want to be desperate or needy. I’ve been searching on articles about getting back with your ex and so on. I’ve cried at nights and lost my apetite. It was so hard to let go of someone you love and move on. But I can’t simply to just let him slip away, I’m not the type to give up easily, not when I have real feelings for him. By the third week, I decided to lower my ego and sent him a text saying I’m sorry for everything, I told him I’m okay with his decisions and I respected it. I told him I wanted him to be happy and I’d be happy for him and I told him of how much I cared and loved him. And wished him well. I was devastated, I can’t see him hurting because of me anymore although I can’t seem to find the reasons for what I did at first because it was out of the blue! Then he said thank you and wished me goodnight. At the fourth week, he called me like 3 times but I didn’t respond because I was sleeping! So I contacted him the next day on my birthday and he said his…. farewell wishes too at the end of the conversations. I almost thought he needed me back :( I was so ready to rekindle things between us but we kept on talking about what we’re going to pursue for studies and so on but not a single topic about our relationship… I felt so hopeless. After that phonecall, I wanted to text him saying I miss him but I was so…..sad to try. It will be sadder if he didn’t miss me like I missed him. You know that one-sided feeling. Slowly, I started accepting things but I can’t seem to be okay with this since I still had feelings for him. He also told me I can call him anytime. Do you think I should call him and try to rekindle things or at least admit to him that I still love him and care for him. Will that make him do the pull away? Should I at least try without expecting him to get back with me to just let my feelings out or what? Do you have any better idea?

    1. No, you are still too emotional. When you are too emotional and can’t think clearly, any action or words that come out of you is unlikely to draw him closer to you. Instead, it is probably going to put more pressure on him and push him away.

      He already knows that you still love him and care for him. So it doesn’t matter how many times you tell him that you still love him and care for him, it is not going to help because that is not the main reason why he decided to breakup with you.

      The main reason is because somewhere along the way, he lost the “feel” for you. Another way of saying it is that the level of emotional connection between the two of you is no longer deep enough.

      So what you need to focus on is to get the “feel” back. In other words, work on deepening your emotional connection with him.

      This is not going to happen overnight. First, you need to heal yourself first. Without allowing yourself to heal, you will be easily hurt. Anything your ex says or doesn’t say can hurt you. Anything your ex do or doesn’t do can hurt you.

      Every time your ex sees you being hurt, he will feel guilty about it. And guilt will cause him to avoid you. That is why it is absolutely important for you to heal yourself first before you even attempt to get your ex back.

      So be patient. Give yourself time to heal first. Otherwise, you will find yourself pushing him further and further away.

  19. Hi,

    I am not sure if my case is actually even applicable here since it was not a relationship to begin with.
    I met a guy from a dating app about 4 months ago and we have been texting on a daily basis, calling weekly, and meeting up every few weeks as it was long distance. At first, I thought very oddly of him since he presented himself as a lonely guy who needed friends. I went with the flow and met with him 3 weeks in a row in the beginning. All of these hangouts were initiated by him.

    Through conversations, I found out that he was in one relationship about 4 years ago and it had only lasted one week. He moved out of province to be with this girl that he had been friends with all throughout high school. Apparently, this girl had lots of guy friends and these quarrels eventually led to them breaking up in one week. When he was describing these events, I could see that it had emotionally impacted him significantly. He seemed angry and very resentful.

    On another occasion when I was on a phone call with him, he was very drunk and had revealed that his parents getting divorced when he was 8 years old had broken him. He said he could not believe how his mother brought in a new guy the very next day of the divorce.

    All of these stories led me to think that he has some unresolved emotional issues, and is therefore, not opening up or being a sociable person. On top of that, he is having financial issues where every pay cheque has to be carefully budgeted. Since he knew that he could not work at the current job forever, he recently started a 1-year long online course on top of his hard-labor full time job.

    Ever since he started the course, our meetings became less frequent. Also, because I was moving and having some medical work done, I kept pushing back our meet up for a few weeks. When he invited me to come over, I wanted to ask if this relationship was going anywhere. So I asked, and he told me that he doesn’t have time to be in a relationship right now. He also mentioned that he wanted this to be casual since whenever he got into serious relationships, things always went badly. But he agreed to make this exclusive. At the end of the phone call, I warned him that there would be no intercourse if we are not in a relationship and he was fine with it.

    During the 4 month period, we have only met up 5 times. The last time was at his house but there was no intercourse nor touching. I could see that he was making an effort to keep the boundary. When he was driving me home, he asked if we could meet in a week or two. After deciding to meet in two weeks, we started to text daily as usual. Compared to the beginning of this whole “friendship,” the texting became less frequent and I became anxious (typically I know).

    When I called him to check (desparate I know), he didn’t pick up. A few hours, he let me know that he slept over at a buddy’s house that he normally drinks with and played video games all night. He said that he had initially left his phone at his house and that is why he could not get back to me. Later on during that phone call, he slipped and I could tell that he was lying about “leaving the phone at a buddy’s” part. Since I was a bit disappointed, I gave him the cold shoulder and answered very briefly to his questions and stories on the phone. I think he was sensing this awkwardness because he double checked on meeting up on the following weekend. I said “Okay, sure” very coldly and hung up.

    After this phone call, he did not text me for days and this had obviously shocked me since he would mostly initiate the text everyday. By then, I realized that what I had done to express my disappointment had an impact on him. I tried to reach out to him by text and calls, but he didn’t return them. When I expressed that I really wanted to apologize and was upset, he finally picked and and said that the “exclusive” thing wasn’t what he wanted and that he isn’t at where he wanted to be in life at the moment. So I suggested on staying friends and he agreed that hanging out on odd weekends would be nice.

    My question is: was he not interested in me to begin with or is he truthfully struggling? I see that he is struggling but when he said he had issues with the “exclusiveness” of this friendship, I am not sure if he wasn’t really feeling it and so he wanted to pursue other people.

    Thank you very much for reading this long comment. Hope that I have not exhausted you!

    1. I think he is really struggling with unresolved baggage as well as current life circumstances. On one hand, he really wants to pursue a relationship with you. On the other hand, he is hesitant, probably due to past experiences, low self esteem and maybe other unknown reasons.

  20. Hi,

    I broke up with my bf just 3 days ago as he was cheating on me.
    We were in a relationship for last the 1.5 years. Before I came into his life, he did like another gal but she got married. And we both were very happy with each other.
    Now that gal got divorced and come back. Actually they both were very good friends.
    The gal didn’t love my bf at any stage because she loved someone else. But my bf is in love with her again and he visited her parents too without my knowledge.

    Now the girl ended the relationship with him but her mother gave a second chance to my bf to correct his mistake.
    I feel stupid..but I love my bf very much. Should I wait for him? Or there is no chance?

    1. I won’t say there is no chance because there are definitely couples out there who got back together from the very worst situations.

      There are also couples whose relationship got stronger after recovering from cheating.

      As for whether you should wait for him, this is a decision you have to make for yourself. No one can make the decision for you.

      Therefore, you should take some time to think about you really want out of a relationship.

      Imagine that you have never met this guy before. What would your ideal partner be like? What qualities should the guy have? What are the deal breakers?

      Write them down on paper so that you can have a clearer mind. Does your ex meet your criteria? Any deal breakers? This exercise will help you make a better decision on whether this relationship is worth pursuing.

  21. Hi Sam, I’ve been in a relationship with my ex gf for 4 years now. And we have broke up now. We talk, but our communication is little, maybe once a day and that would be an email not even a text or call. I’m not sure I think she has blocked my number or put me on do not disturb. But then when I text from my brother’s phone she texts my phone back and then text my brother’s back too. She said to me that couldn’t carry on anymore and that the damage had been done, she loves me and always will, has my name tattooed on her body and she said those things will never go anywhere but she can’t be with me right now. When I said to her fine if you don’t want to be with me and you mean it tell me you no longer feel the same for me an don’t love me then I will let go she couldn’t do it. I did the usual begging which was a big mistake. And this was by phone call after the text. After the end of the intense phone call, she rang me back. She said are you feeling better now? And I said no. I have nothing to feel better about. She said I need some alone time but I will ring you tomorrow promise. Which didn’t, then a day later she text me saying I really wanna talk to you properly, but didn’t call coz she had work, and I said that’s fine, ring me when your ready. She didn’t call. So now our communication has been reduced down to email only. I sent flowers to her, she messaged me back via email yesterday and said I will call you later thank you for the flowers. And didn’t call again. So I emailed back saying no problem, when shall I expect a call. But that’s the lay communication. She did this to me two years ago, avoided me for ages, then eventually 4 months later we got back together. I wrote her letters etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She’s my soulmate I need to know I’ve done everything I can to make this work. Sometimes I feel like rather than any text or calls, just turn up face to face then she can’t avoid conversation?

    1. What was the reason for breaking up now and 2 years ago?

      Because it seems like she has some unresolved emotional issues, that was probably why she avoided you 2 years ago and is now repeating the same pattern.

      Are you aware of the reason? Like maybe a bad childhood? Or maybe a bad experience from a previous relationship?

  22. My ex bf & I were together two & half years (the longest he’d been with a woman since he was widowed). We were on/off the last couple of months then 2 weeks ago he decided to pull the plug on our relationship citing lack of desire to be around me. We’d been arguing a lot however I now realise that maybe he was put under pressure by my demand for his attention on top of dealing with a demanding job, boss from hell & being a single father to 2 teenage boys.
    I love him & am prepared to work on myself to better understand his situation & be more supportive. He used to confide in me about issues he told me he’s never shared with any gf before & made me swear never to tell a soul as he can’t even share these with his mom & friends. We had a good relationship, talked about everything under the sun when not fighting. He was really caring & spoilt me when he had the time.

    I have decided to go no contact after I told him I respect his decision & agree that a break from each other will be best for both of us. This decision was however preceded by days of unsuccessful pleading & begging.

    Do we have a chance of working things out after we’ve both calmed down? I suspect he’s already seeing another woman though.

    1. As long as you are willing to work on yourself and develop your empathy, there is definitely a chance. As for him seeing another woman, that’s just your irrational mind speaking to you. You have to learn to examine your thoughts. Very important. If you allow yourself to imagine things that are not there, it will cause you to react unnecessarily and that is not going to help you get your ex back.

      As you mentioned, he is under so much pressure. It is very unlikely that he is ready for a serious relationship now. Even if he is really seeing another woman, it is probably going to be a rebound. Rebound relationships seldom last. So you should focus on working on yourself instead of worrying about him dating someone else.

  23. We’ve been talking as friends for one month. But we talked a lot ( more than regular friends would do) it was so fantastical friendship which was so close to a romantic relationship. When we had a date, he asked to see me again. After one week of the date, we had a fight and he started to ignore me. I called him to apologize. But for him “everything is ok”. After that, I decided to use no contact on him. After one week, he sent me an emotional message but I didn’t react emotionally back. After two week of no talking (on my birthday), he sent me a happy birthday wish, then asked me to go out with him. I refused, then he got angry. I refused all this because I’ve felt that he’s manipulating me. On his birthday, I never contacted him. I blocked him on facebook (I got tired of seeing him online on Facebook and ignoring me) but didn’t block his phone number. 3 week of ignoring until now. But the problem is that I still have feelings for him and don’t know what to do?

    1. What was the fight about? Is it mainly your fault or his or both? Or just miscommunication? How did you apologize to him?

      Without giving me more details, it is hard for me to give you constructive suggestions. I just have to make some assumptions here.

      Sometimes, ineffective apology is worse than no apology. If you are not addressing his feelings in your apology and you are just being defensive, then it is not going to work. In fact, it can make the situation worse, which may explains why he told you “everything is ok” even though it may not be so.

      If you want to give this relationship a shot, you need to stop playing these mind games with him. Learn how to communicate properly first before you reach out to him.

  24. Hi,
    I need advice on what to do. Our story goes as such: He is from the U.S. And I am from Canada. We met while he was in my city for work (he lives and works in a different city in Canada). We dated long distance for 5 months and I moved to him. Left my job, my family and friends. This new city is Montreal, aka French only, and neither of us speak French, however, he does not need it. I had been out of work for a year and it had started to really take a toll on us. We spent so much time together. But two months ago I began full time French classes and have been creating my own world outside of him. Friends, gym etc. I’m feeling good about myself finally! He broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying it was for me, because I don’t have a future here, since it has been such a huge struggle. He can tell my confidence has been beaten down. He plays professional football for the team here and has worries that he will have to pick up and go at any moment; professional sports are fickle like that, you can be traded at any time. And we would have to start again from nothing somewhere else. So he says it’s not working because I have lost myself and he’s not in it anymore because I made him my whole world. We live together and have a good relationship. We laugh all the time and enjoy many of the same things. We have serious discussions and challenge each other on an intellectual level. He says he still loves me and it’s not me as a person, but the situation we are in. I thought I would spend my life with him, and now he wants me to move every single thing of mine out of our home. I don’t understand why he wants to end it when things are looking so up for me.. I am staying at my brothers house right now but it can’t be a permanent solution. And my whole life is in the home we built together, so I have had to go back a few times over the past weeks to grab things. He wants everything out, but he’s also been very kind in that he is willing to talk and listen to my feelings. As I mentioned, he is an athlete. And many athletes go through a depression in the off season and i think that is happening. His mom says it happens every year. How do I support him, and give him space, and help him realize we aren’t supposed to end like this? That it is worth working through? I know that the problems are completely fixable but how can he realize it, other than me just saying it? How much time do I give him before I give up and go back home? There is not much point in me being in a city without him, when the move was FOR him. I am willing to stick around and better myself so that he sees I don’t NEED him, but WANT him. Because I know every relationship goes through ups and downs, and I’m willing to shoulder this pain if we can end up making it. But how do I know if he’s totally done, or if he’s just going through something. I know I deserve someone who wants to work it out to be with me, but I feel that I need to put up a fight, I’m just not sure for how long, and what I need to do. I’m a very forward person and he knows and loves that, but I am nervous to push too hard too soon. I am scared “out of sight, out of mind” may apply here.. Please give me some insight…

    1. Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship.

      The fact is, finances and career are definitely going to affect your relationship. So it is important to be practical as well.

      But let’s deal with one thing at a time.

      First, it is important to accept the fact that you can’t change a person. If he doesn’t want to change, there is not much you can do about it.

      It is more constructive to focus on changing and improving yourself. Maybe by doing so, you will actually be able to inspire him. This will make him want to change on his own accord.

      Second, I will suggest that you implement a period of no contact. This will give him enough time to experience what it is like without you in his life.

      If you are constantly in his life, he won’t have the chance to experience what it is like to be without you. Sometimes, people need to lose something valuable before they start to treasure it.

      A period of no contact will also give you the time to work on yourself and make the necessary changes.

      Third, try to explore various career options and opportunities. Today, we live in a very different world. There are definitely jobs or opportunites that gives you the freedom to work from anywhere in the world.

      For example, I know there are people who make a full time income just by running a blog. There are people who make a full time income with ecommerce etc.

      Having a career that allows you to work from anywhere in the world can certainly help you in pursuing a long distance relationship. So that is something you can explore and research on.

      Obviously, it is not going to be easy. But nothing worth achieving is easy right?

      And don’t worry about “out of sight out of mind”. Just because you are within his field of vision will not help you get back together with him if there aren’t any significant changes. Sometimes, you need to have the courage to let go of a person before he will come back to you.

  25. Sam,
    My boyfriend of a little over 8 months and I broke up a month ago. I felt it coming, but didn’t expect it when it did. We go to the same school together, so we stayed friends and continued talking through text and on the phone and in person. We even hooked up. The hooking up stopped about a week ago. Yesterday, all was well when he then told me “I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t even come around me. Okay?” I, in response, waited until I saw him around school to ask him about it. He told me I did something wrong through text but wouldn’t tell me what it was that I did wrong when I confronted him about it in person. Since I confronted him, I haven’t spoken to him. It’s only been a day of NC but I’m wondering if it will be worth it? Nearly 2 weeks ago he told me that I deserve to be treated like a queen and he seriously believes we will get back together and when he asks me out again it will be in the most adorable way possible. We have mutual friends at school so I can’t fully avoid contact with him, what should I do? How long do you think the no contact will take until it starts taking effect? Also, 4 days ago I didn’t speak to him for an entire day and he texted me out of the blue and even walked up to me at school to ask if I was okay. I think he wants us back, but “in the future”

  26. Hey, I’m about 1 week removed from a breakup, from an 8 month relationship that was very passionate and honestly much more good then bad, she had liked me for years before, and when i finally realized that she did we started dating almost immediately. Anyways, i struggled a lot with control and insecurity, seemingly taking out emotions from past relationships and about 6 months in we took a few day break, with which i started work on my insecurity, though my control seemed to stay the same, at the time i didn’t see the control as bad(i very honestly do now) and for about a month we did a lot better, and when August came around(a very rough and stressful month for both of us) we started arguing, the main subject being wanting and planning to move in together but living on opposite sides of town, and us both getting jobs with conflicting schedules. After about a week apart and only messaging we had started to just get more and more pumped up about the overall stress of the situation, and when she came over the arguing continued, ending in us breaking up and her leaving. Almost immediately i felt the weight of the situation and thought that the stress wasn’t a very good reason to break up an otherwise loving and caring relationship. I messaged her that day, when she told me she wanted me to not message her anymore. I began taking with mine and her mutual friends to get an idea of what she was thinking , and have since learned that doing that is not going to help the situation much. I’m currently working with myself and starting tomorrow a therapist to finally get past my problems with insecurity, which are the main component in my formerly controlling attitude, i know i will get Better, and have since tried bringing back other friends and aspects of my life to both help be more whole as a person, and to show that i can and will change for the better. The last time i talked to her( Saturday night) i sent her a message that indicated that there was no obligation to respond as i see she isn’t ready to talk to me yet. It was telling of my plans and already underway actions to get better and make it stick, as well as telling her that just because i sent the message didn’t mean i was quite ready yet, i expressed that i was not going to give up on her, or myself( in the means of becoming better). I’m deciding that after yesterday to use the no contact rule for 2-3 weeks, seeing as how our breakup was not fueled by incredibly serious circumstances such as cheating or abuse. I’m asking from you if you think the 2-3 weeks of no contact is appropriate, and if so good ways to take your mind off the other, because i truly love her, and am more than willing to give the relationship not only another chance, but my absolute best effort

    1. Real changes is going to take time, probably much longer than 2 to 3 weeks for most people. So I suggest that you take things slowly. Don’t try to rush. There is no need to. In fact, you may want to take 1 to 2 months to really work on yourself and make the changes stick. If you try to get back together with her before you have truly changed, it is not going to work. The same problems will happen again.

  27. Hey Sam,
    My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me a month ago. We had very happy times together. We felt comfortable talking to each other about anything and we shared our interests and we rarely fought. When we broke up, he told me that he wanted to break it off because he doesn’t see a future with me as his wife and he doesn’t love me enough to be with me forever. I know that we both had our problems when we were in a relationship. I was being dependent on him sometimes. So I told him that we could try to improve things but he just didn’t want to give it a try even though he could how we can make things work. It’s just he always has the doubts about our relationship that keeps him from continuing it. It was the first serious relationship for both of us but both of us really invested a lot emotionally and we truly cared each other. We haven’t contacted each other for a month. I have been using this time to develop my hobbies and focusing more on my relationship with friends. Now the NC is almost ending, I still want him back but I am also ok to move on. I am not sure what I am supposed to do.

  28. Is it too late to initiate no contact 6 months after a breakup? There has only been sporadic contact for the past 6 months. We recently reconnected to discuss the issues at hand however, he has continued with sporadic contact with no improvements. Is it too late to initiate no contact rule?

    1. There is no such thing as too late or too early to implement no contact rule.

      No contact is not a magic pill. It is more about the way you present yourself when you are interacting with your ex.

      I don’t know what issues you are dealing with. However, it is important for you to know that your ex will only consider getting back together with you if he can see that you have changed and the relationship is going to be better. Maybe throughout these 6 months, he can’t sense any changes in you. Or maybe it is his own issues he is dealing with. Or maybe it is a bit of both.

      Maybe you are constantly reacting to what he says instead of being in the present moment. That is why you weren’t able to connect with him effectively.

      So what you should focus on is to learn new relationship skills. For example, communication skills is one of them. There are other important relationship skills as well.

      Start working on your skills from today onwards so that you are able to connect with him better. To get started, you can sign up for our newsletter. In our newsletter, we will share with you the various important skills that you need to learn in order to improve your chances of getting your ex back.

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